There is nothing quite as perplexing as the men on a campus as freezing-cold as UW who try to will their fashion sense and/or manliness by refusing to clothe their lower extremities. Is it a show of manliness? Do they truly get off by saying things like “eh, the cold don’t bother me much?” Are these Dorito-fingertipped jabronies actually a closer cousin to short-skirted sorority girls than either party would like to admit? Only science will tell, and today, we break down the anatomy of what actually goes into such a scientific breakthrough like the guy who wears shorts in winter’s shorts.
‘Thicc’ proof material to deter the rise of boners on the way to class:
Plenty of guys have been there before, you’re hustling to class, already late as is, upon noticing an incredibly attractive Badger, or as someone who’s up to date on the lingo would refer to as “Thicc.” You suddenly have a new problem to rapidly conceal as fast as possible. Well the Madison Winter Shorts-Wearer has found the solution, his shorts are made of an innovative camouflage material, that disguises anyone’s wood well past the morning. So he can strut proudly, probably. Field testing is still ongoing, but surely it works just as well as hunting attire.
Deep pockets to hold all the free stuff they’ve picked up at the Unions:
Flyers, coasters, koozies, water-bottles. There isn’t any free swag that the Madison Winter Shorts-Wearer can’t comfortably store in his shorts. There’s even a rumor that he can fit a whole turkey in there, and will have it defrosted just in time for Thanksgiving.
Red stains from inability to wash their 50 Badger shirts properly:
The Madison Winter Shorts-wearer has quite the multi-faceted pair of cargos, but can’t prevent every incident. When will science finally get around to solving the greatest mystery of all time: how can darks and whites be washed together? Possibly never. Red residue on all clothing, it is then. At the very least it’s not blood, although lab results have been a bit late getting back…
“Lucky” belt worn daily since high school:
How else do you give the Packers/Bucks/Badgers the good luck they need to win? The only thing that could be truly trusted with keeping these mighty cargos at waist level: the lucky khaki shorts belt that came with it. It’s the Madison Winter Shorts-wearer’s lucky belt, present for seemingly every lucky event that he’s been a part of.
This includes giving the Packers/Bucks/Badgers/Brewers the luck they need to win their games. The invaluable lucky powers of the shorts will prevent Madison’s Winter Shorts-Wearer from parting with them until the day they tragically rip in the act of bending over to pick up their BOGO coupon in Burger King. And even in that case, duct-tape will mend the wound.
Khaki colored to distinguish from the only other pair of camo colored cargos he wears:
The sniff test to determine the cleanliness of laundry is unparalleled in its accuracy. However in the seventy-five percent of the time that it doesn’t work, the Madison Winter Shorts-Wearer thankfully got his shorts khaki colored to distinguish them from his camo, black, and other shades of khaki colored ones. Wouldn’t want these particularly exceptional cargoes getting mistaken for the common rabble. Especially since he sweat through those during yesterday’s jaunt up the mighty Bascom.
Febreze infused threads, to make up for the low ply toilet paper in every campus bathroom ever:
Until the University finally gets with the times, and improves the low-ply toilet paper in all campus buildings, everyone has to deal with the problem in their own way – most unsuccessfully. Due to the general unsuccessfulness of their efforts, a lot of Badgers are left wondering the rest of the day if the rancid stench of their most recent bowel cleansing is noticeable by everyone around them, but not the Madison Winter Shorts-Wearer. He’s got Febreze infused threads in his cargos, masking even the worst Chinese food inspired shits.
Know any Madison Winter Shorts-Wearers? The first step in recovery is admitting they have a problem, so show them this, and hopefully one day in deep January, they will emerge a pants-clad butterfly.
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