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State Wrestler Goes to 600 N. Park Looking for Helen C. and Her Banger

On Tuesday, February 28, Bryce Johnson—a sixteen year old, letterman’s jacket-clad state wrestler—arrived at 600 N. Park asking for Helen C. The confused high schooler was reported weaving between tables, with an attempt to make eye contact with anyone.

John Smith, a student studying in the library describes the scene: “I’m just sitting there, right? and out of nowhere, this fetus-looking kid approaches me and asks me if I know ‘Helen.’ I give him this blank stare and then he says, ‘Oh, Helen C. You must not be as close to her as I am.’ It took all my strength not to laugh at him. Instead, I told him to head to the seventh floor. He gave me a smirk and a thumbs up and was off.”

Following his interaction with Smith, Johnson was spotted on the third floor desperately trying to find a passage to the much-anticipated seventh floor. He found a librarian and began whining, “I think your signs are wrong and the building is broken OR the seventh floor simply doesn’t exist!” To which the librarian replied, “You need to exit the building and go through another entrance.” Johnson smirked, gave a thumbs up, and walked away.

As Johnson went through the other entrance, he failed to see the big lettering that said “Helen C. White.” Had he noticed this, much embarrassment would have been saved on his part. But, that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt. He more than likely saw it and thought to himself, man, Helen C. is the real shit! She has her name on the building and everything!

While taking the elevator, Johnson noticed a “girl” with Greek letters on her crew neck. He whispered to her, “Yo, bitch! You headed to Helen C.’s bangin’ party upstairs, too?” This “girl” was Chancellor Rebecca Blank who was wearing a “Numen Lumen” crew neck. Blank gave him a blank stare and Johnson gave her a smirk and a thumbs up.

Upon reaching the seventh floor, Johnson bolted out of the elevator in search of a bottomless keg, entering a classroom where the students were coincidentally discussing The Great Gatsby. “Man, it is LIT in here! Mind if I take a chug of your booze?” Johnson asked while grabbing the professor’s water bottle. “Hmm, either it’s not very strong or I have a very high tolerance. Thanks, dude!” After leaving the room, Johnson looked at his watch and realized that his match was in twenty minutes. He panicked and frantically left the building.

At press time, Johnson was wandering around Madison, attempting to navigate the complex 80 route.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.

 

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