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How American Can Wal-Mart Make You?

It’s once again the time of year when Americans feel an even greater sense of pride in this amazing country full of opportunity and culture (especially if you’re a straight, white man like the majority of people that run this country). If you’re a true American, you’ll feel the need to find non-clever ways to blatantly make it clear to the strangers around you that you LOVE the U.S. Conveniently enough, all the material you’ll need is easily located just down the road at your local Wal-Mart.


Styrofoam American Flag Cooler American-Flag-Cooler


For when you want to show your patriotism but you don’t want to be all “in your face” about it. One simple, waving, fully-mast flag is all you need to let people know where your allegiances lie… while also keeping all those spray-painted red, white, and blue sandwiches nice and cold. Also, it’s made out of cheap Styrofoam, so literally anyone can afford it!


American Beer Coozies (made in China)American-Beer-Cozy


What better way to keep the beer in your American cooler cold than with a patriotic American coozie? These little bastards just scream America, not only because their sole purpose is keeping beer and other unhealthy beverages cold, but because they are overpriced Chinese imports. You couldn’t ask for a more American product (except maybe flags).


Awesome U.S. Flag Cutoff and American Dad (no not the show) Hat Tank-Top


If you need a cooler for your beer and a coozie to keep your beer cold, it’s probably hot out. Luckily, Wal-Mart has killer cutoffs and hats sporting the American flag for your 4th of July cookouts (or any occasion really). The makers of the shirt strategically cut off the sleeves on this shirt to minimize the collection of heat on the individual’s body and maximize vitamin D absorption. The hat isn’t just for looks either, as it can be used to keep that pesky vitamin D out of your eyes through its groundbreaking visor technology.


Red, White, and Blue Sunglasses Glasses


When the patriotic hat simply doesn’t do to block out the resilient vitamin D, these red, white, and blue sunglasses will pick up the slack. These star studded glasses are incredibly fashionable, and combined with the aforementioned cutoff and hat can make the upper body of the wearer the ultimate patriot. ‘Murica.


U.S. Flag Swim Suits Swim-Suit


American flag swim suits are the perfect clothing article to complete your “I LOVE AMERICA” look. Cutoffs, hats, cheap star studded sunglasses, flag shorts, and European immigrants are exactly the kind of thing this country was built on! It’s the perf cookout attire, especially if there’s a POOOOLLLLLL!


Beaded/Shot Glass Necklaces beaded-shot-glass


America runs on basic white girls. Exhibit A. That makes these basic bead necklaces another perfect way to announce your patriotic allegiance to the home of the brave. The silver one even comes with its own shot glass so you’ll always have something to put your tequila in no matter where you are. There’s nothing more American than that…


Except Maybe Fucking Stars and Stripes Cake! America-Cake


Any true America fan only eats red, white, and blue foods. Why would anyone eat anything other than patriotic colored food? Because people are idiots. The existence of this makes all other flavors/colors/textures of any and all Pillsbury products irrelevant. Unless you hate your country, in which case you should probably get out of the greatest country in the world you stupid commie.


So it looks like you can get pretty ‘Murican, all in one place. If you want to pump up the volume on your red, white, and blue megaphone, stop by Wally World and get some shit with flags on it.

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