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UW Problems: How to Avoid Saying Hi to People You Know

 

Nothing is worse than seeing someone you know on the other side of the crosswalk. It doesn’t matter if you love them, hate them, or used to buy drugs from their ex’s roommate’s older brother’s current fiancé’s boss. The point is you know them, thus our society dictates you must acknowledge their existence in some way. Otherwise you’ll get a call from your grandma later that night, “Dotty told me that you saw her grandson walking his dog today and you didn’t say hi! And I said that doesn’t sound like my Jeffery!” Well dammit Jeffery! You can’t make your grandmother into a liar, she’ll get kicked out of her knitting club. You’ll just have to suck it up and say hi to Dotty’s grandson; even though he always tries to turn a high-five into an awkward two handed handshake.

 

Even if you don’t see Dotty’s grandson on a daily basis, there are plenty of people you do see, and even more options to deal with them.

 

The Continuous Motion I-Forgot-Your-Name Greeting:

Walking down State, you spot your chem 103 lab partner from two semesters ago walking towards you. You smile and say, “Hey guy, how’ve you been? Cool,” all while still walking, and not waiting for them to reply. A wave or even high-five (if you’re feeling dangerous) can be thrown in, but is not necessary.

 

The Surprised, I’m-in-a-Hurry Greeting and Wave:

You see your old boss from Subway, who you promised to keep-in-touch with, coming towards you. “Oh, hey Taylor! Wish I could chat, but have a great day!” Keep walking and wave as you turn around, before breaking into a full on sprint right to your bed for some Netflix.

 

The I-Haven’t-Seen-You-in-Literally-Forever Quick Hug and Lunch Façade:


When leaving a party you see Vicky Talitaro from your high school arrive. “OMFG Vicky! I miss you, girl! It’s been waaaay too long!” Then execute the perfect mostly shoulders hug, “Let’s do lunch!” Then get you’re your ass outta there ASAP. Her dad owns a beach house you wouldn’t mind using at some point, but there is no need to talk to her now, it’s November.

 

The Smile and Slow Motion Head Nod While Maintaining Eye Contact:


After dropping the ball on your marketing group project, you receive a nasty look from an ex-member in the Grainger hallway. You must acknowledge them from at least 20 feet away; then continue smiling while slowing tipping your head back, as if saying, “Wow, this is uncomfortable for everyone, eh?”

 

The Uneasy I-Don’t-Think-I-Know-You Smile and Trail Off:


You make eye contact with a stranger across Whiskey Jacks. He says “Hey Gretta!” and you think…you don’t know me!? Just keep smiling until they stop talking, then say, “Hey, cool seeing you again.” Start walking past them, “Weird how stuff like that works out. I’m gonna g….”

 

The Dead Eyed, Quick Flail-Wave From the Elbow:


Walking to class, you see your co-worker and really don’t care if “the boss really screwed him over on scheduling again this week.” So all you do is barely glance as you just fling your lower arm up into the air for 2 seconds—it’s practically a wave.

 

The Post-Pass So-Good-to-See-You Text:

You see a fairly good friend on the street, but it’s the morning, so… just keep your head down or pretend to drink your coffee that’s been empty for 20 minutes. Wait until you get to class, then text them saying “Hey, I think I just passed you on Charter! Good seeing you! Have a great day! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ” But make sure that if they reply, you wait like an hour to respond—you’re busy, remember?

 

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