MADISON – A slice of pizza found on the sidewalk by Vintage beat out incumbent, Ben Gust, in ASM’s student election last week. Authorities claim the disintegrating slice of barbecue-chicken received 51 percent of the votes for the School of Business representative.
The slice of pizza ran under the slogan, “School is for fools,” which was reportedly coined by Vintage’s bouncer, informally known as “Sea Bass.” Later becoming the campaign manager for the pizza, Sea Bass released a public statement to the campus prior to election day: “Vote for the pizza if you want to be cool. This pizza is a fighter— just last week some drunk dude spewed his stomach thunder all over it. Snow, rain, hungry street rats; this slice has been through it all. So give it a vote and don’t forget Vintage’s drink specials this week.”
Exit polls showed some voters had difficulty in choosing between the incumbent’s platform and the slice of pizza, which, according to student Dylan Johnson, “tastes fucking great.”
Katy Ryser, friend of the incumbent, said, “It definitely put a strain on our friendship when I voted for the pizza. I repeatedly changed my mind leading up to the election, back and forth, ya know? Then one night I found myself chugging vodka Red Bulls at Vintage, and I knew which candidate had my vote.”
Ian’s third-shift worker, ‘Just Todd,’ created the pizza at 2 a.m. on a Saturday morning in February. He claims the pizza wasn’t always on a path into political power: “Originally, this slice of pie was just like all the other slices of pie, ya know? Some hammered bimbo stuffin’ her mouth-hole with 1,200 calories of old cheese and nasty meats. Anyways, I gotta go, some dude just shat all over the bathroom,” said Just Todd during his shift Saturday morning.
Campus legend states that Chancellor Rebecca Blank ordered the pizza after a wild, drunken bender on State Street. She apparently dropped the slice while peeing behind the La Ciel apartments, where heavy rains carried the pizza out to the streets. It was there that bystanders witnessed a “savage” street fight for the pizza between the Park Street homeless and a pack of stray dogs.
“After the pizza survived that, I realized its political potential and contacted ASM about running for office,” said Sea Bass. “I’m just so proud of this campus for exercising democracy. Who would’ve thought the heaven that is bar-close pizza could become a representative and voice for the entire campus? It’s truly moving,” said poli-sci dropout Emily Schaefer.
Sources report the pizza’s first objective in office is investigating the potential of flasks in the classroom.
Drunk people say the darndest things: