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If Hallmark Cards Were Honest

In your search to find the perfect piece of decorated cardstock paper to go with your mediocre, yet in budget, present, you may notice Hallmark left out what you’re really trying to say. Sure, these cards may include poetic words about family—or perhaps a picture of a donkey that reads “hope you don’t make an ass of yourself this holiday” (Hallmark is a little inconsistent in their sentiment)—but let’s get real. That’s not what you actually want to say. The following are suggestions for card ideas we really need in our lives.

 

It’s okay, dad, I’m not even that mad about that time you forgot me at soccer practice anymore. The holidays are a time to put your differences aside and enjoy each other’s presence. There’s no need for passive aggressive behavior fueled by the image of your five-year-old self waiting like a dope for your father to pick you up from practicing a sport you weren’t even good at. That shit’s for Thanksgiving. This card tells your dad that you can’t forget—something that he’s proven to be real good at—but you can forgive.

 

Grandpa, I’ll pretend what you just said wasn’t offensive to at least 12 demographics of people. There’s an amazing chance that what he just said hasn’t been politically correct since the days of Christopher Columbus roaming the land. But you know what? Christmas isn’t really the time to school grandad on racism, xenophobia, sexism, homophobia, or any other type of ism/phobia… so just for today, I’ll pretend he didn’t even say words.

 

To my loving sister… yeah, I DO have your fucking shirt. There isn’t even any heartfelt commentary to go along with this. It’s just about coming clean with the fact that sometimes we go shopping in our sister’s closet. A revelation as shocking to her as when she found out about Santa.

 

Don’t worry little brother, I won’t tell mom and dad I caught you in the middle of “self-exploration.” Alas, we knew he couldn’t stay an 8-year-old playing with his pogo stick forever. Eventually, we knew he’d grow up and stop… you know, actually he’s still “playing with his pogo stick.” It was traumatic for everyone involved, and there’s no need to relive that horror by telling the story to the parents. However, he should know that this can be used as blackmail—and who’s fault is that really?

 

Hey Gentiles, maybe I’m NOT going to the movies and eating Chinese food on December 25. Because sometimes people need to be reminded that stereotypes aren’t always accurate. Jews are not limited to these two activities on Christian holidays. But even if that is what they end up doing, there’s nothing wrong with that—because truly, some wontons and Interstellar sounds like as good of a day as we’ve ever heard.

 

Mother, let’s not discuss the hypocrisy of teaching me not to lie, while lying about Santa for years. She’s all upset because we lied to her a couple of times so we could go behind her back and drink alcohol underage. Is that as traumatic to a person as learning that Santa Claus—the motivation behind our good behavior, the beacon of light to our Christmas celebration, the only person who we’re totally cool with breaking into our house and eating our cookies—isn’t real? DIDN’T. THINK. SO.

 

To my high school friend who I lost touch with… it isn’t me. It’s totally you. We haven’t exchanged Christmas presents since 8th grade when we felt obligated to, so this card may seem out of place. But this holiday season, we’d like to give them the gift of knowing we didn’t even really like them that much in high school. Though we did see their status about getting into grad school for the ever-marketable Southeast Asian Studies Master’s Degree! But why haven’t we texted them about it? Why didn’t we like their damn status chock full of student loans and useless information? Maybe it’s because we just don’t care. Genuinely. We just don’t. Season’s greetings, motherfucker. 

 

So when you’re at a loss for words and the Hallmark aisle just isn’t doing it for you, remember The Black Sheep’s honest holiday greetings. Because isn’t brutal, unadulterated honesty what the holidays are really all about?

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