UW basketball player Jordan Hill is on a lot of people’s radar following his pretty okay performance in a not-so-okay game against Rutgers last weekend. Many people are looking to Hill to be a promising player this year. This is apparently no accident, however, as an anonymous source has recently leaked a five step plan, written by Hill himself, that upon completion, will allow the follower to completely replace Nigel Hayes on the UW basketball team. The transcript of said letter is below, and the original document can be found on Wikileaks, but they are only accessible after hours of scrolling through a bunch of boring emails, so yeah, just read the transcript.
Step 1: Get on Everyone’s Radar in a Game Against Rutgers
Well, damn, looks like step one is complete. He’s got our vote anyhow. Scoring 3 out of the 61 points Wisconsin scored during the Rutgers game has us all on Team Hill. Look out Mr. Hayes, you may soon become obsolete.
Step 2: Become Politically Active/Aware
Seems easy enough. He’s already got almost 2,000 followers on Twitter, which is no small feat, (although 2,971 would be more impressive…). He’s got the platform, and he’s probably woke enough to do it. Plus, the political landscape could NOT be any better right now for completing this step. “Mr. Trump! Tear down this wall!” is enough to gain at least 10 woke followers.
Step 3: Become Member of Starting Five
Scoring three points against Rutgers is a good start. He seems to be on the right track for his dreams. Look out Nigel, this guy is coming for yo spot.
Step 4: Store Nudes in Lock-box Under Bed That Can Only be Opened by the Implementation of a 6-Digit Code That is Only Relevant to the Owner of the Lock-box
Now this shows that Hill has done his research on how to become a successful Badger athlete. If he follows this rule, he may very well be on his way to becoming the first UW basketball player to not have a phallus photo of them floating around on campus. If the current starting five can become that famous with pictures of their erectile functions being passed around the student body, imagine what Hill will be able to achieve.
Step 5: Change First and Last Name to Nigel Hayes, Respectively
Pretty self-explanatory. He may want to change his birth certificate/license, back-story, or extensive facial reconstruction to get the look to match the new name, but this guy’s just starting out, and he seems to have the right idea.
Be sure you keep an eye on Jordan Hill, he’s definitely the rising star to-be in the remaining months of the basketball season, and you heard it here first.