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Shit You’re Just Too Old For at the University of Wisconsin-Madison

It’s that time of year again, where senior, super senior, and so-super-that-it’s-weird-now senior Badgers are beginning to lose their rose-tinted glasses view of Madison. Tied to that nostalgia is a realization of just how many things some Badgers are way too old for. Make the most of your last year, Badgers – but do your best to avoid the stuff on this particular “Murtaugh List.”

6.) Food at Gordon’s:
No campus tour could’ve prepared any Madison residents for how quickly they’d fine the dining hall food suddenly quite disgusting. At first, the culinary masterpieces of Gordon’s appeared to be a huge step up from other peasant schools and their archaic meal plans. Then, every Badger realizes somewhere around their eighth sandwich or second burger: Madison dining hall food is just as awful as any other campus. At the very least, the ice cream at the Bean & Creamery hasn’t been borrowed from the local Golden Corral.

5.) Mifflin basement parties:
They were hot. You had to pay way too much for exceptionally mediocre wop. Some moron keeps changing the music too often (and to awful songs). Regardless of how long you stay,  you leave drenched in your own and others’ sweat, and a belly full of a random assortment of alcohol. All in all, house parties ended up being quite disappointing and nothing like the movies. Damn you Hollywood. Good thing all the bars in Madison are nothing like that.

4.) Staying for the entirety of Badger games: 
There really isn’t anything that can compare to the magic of Badger football games. That being said, there’s plenty else to do on Saturdays, and to do it, that mid-day nap comes in clutch for countless Badgers. Immediately following “Jump Around” is the general consensus time for departure. All you can hope for in leaving early is that you don’t end up being the guy who missed Melvin’s record breaking performance in favor of a nap.

3.) Attending every class:
8:50s, lunch-time discussions, power lectures in the afternoon – any of those have the same, high possibility of being skipped. The argument put forth freshmen year, that you’re wasting money when you skip a class, is as strong and lasts as long as your average dormcest relationship. It doesn’t take long to spiral into a pattern of missing 11:00a.m. classes so you can get “settled” in for the day. For those who skip and are miraculously able to succeed in those courses, everybody hates, yet secretly envies you. For those who get expectedly trounced by the exams of the courses you skip for The Maury Show, cheer up. After all, Cs get degrees. For L & S students at least. Don’t Uber to class though, that’s just sad.

2.) Attending UW functions:
Freshmen year all those baby-faced Badgers are encouraged to go to as many events as they can to “make the most” out of their college experience. The Org Fair, Homecoming Parade, any and all speaking events not required for class participation. Most quickly come to the realization that “making the most” of these golden years almost never involves UW events that aren’t football games, and almost always involves checking off alcohols you can’t even think about the next day without almost throwing up again. Ahh Fireball, God bless and protect you.

1.) Bowling at the Sett:
Your daily reminder that there actually is something to do in the basement of Union South. Also, a reminder that we’re not in elementary school, and it’s not Sally’s birthday party. Accept it, everybody’s getting older. We will all die one day. At the very least, as your life stretches into its waning years, as your own personal I’m Too Old For That Shit List grows, take pleasure in the fact that you’re a Badger, and not a godforsaken Golden Gopher.

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