Everyone has heard by now that amateur gymnast Scott Walker took a bit of a tumble Monday night during the governor’s annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony. We all assumed it was just a little slip up from the governor of slip ups, but apparently Walker isn’t to blame this time. Krampus, the creepy demon-thing from German folklore that punishes children who have been “very, very naughty” on Christmas, came forward today to confess to causing the governor to trip at the holiday gathering.
“The Internet kept telling me that this guy was a dick, so I figured I should do my job and punish him or something”, Krampus announced in his confession. “Honestly, what better way for a holiday punishing demon to punish someone than to embarrass them at their very own holiday ceremony?”
Upon Krampus’ confession, Madison police investigated the scene of the crime as a precaution to any more threats from Krampus against the governor’s public reputation and discovered something very interesting.
“There was a fucking pool of knives just inches from where Walker fell!” rookie police officer Andy Bertram told The Black Sheep. “We checked the security footage, Krampus is nowhere to be found. Those knives just appeared there! How do we fight something like this? I don’t know! It’s game over man. Game over!”
Cool as a cucumber, police chief Selleck has Krampus detained for the time being, but doubts his ability to keep him incarcerated. “A Christmas demon tripped our governor, hoping for him to fall in a pool of knives that he magically inserted on said governor’s property. Do you know how much paperwork I’d have to fill out to arrest that guy? Count me out,” Selleck explained. “Plus, I’ve never really liked that wiener Walker anyways.”
Selleck allowed us to talk to Krampus while he was being detained (actually, we just walked past him while he was eating a donut). When asked if he plans to stop his path of bloodlust against our governor, he had this to say. “I mean, Scott’s kind of been a naughty boy. Or so the Internet tells me. Why are you looking at me like that? I know how to use the Internet. I’m a demon from German folklore, not amish,” Krampus informed us. “Also, Becky Blank teamed up with Tammy Baldwin to summon me to this city and is paying me a lot of money to off your gov-oh, er, you’re a wannabe reporter, aren’t you? Uh, yeah, no, actually, this was all just a publicity stunt. A stunt for my new movie, Krampus. It comes out December 4th, go watch it. I’m hoping for an Oscar nom.”
The Black Sheep has learned that, upon writing this, Krampus is no longer being held by Madison police. There have been no more sightings of Krampus around campus, but local police still ask that you be vigilant. He may not be a convicted felon, but he is a holiday torture demon. If you do spot him, the police ask you call them at their number, 555-555-55555-55-5, immediately (they changed their number to fourteen 5s to make it more accessible and easier for people to remember). A picture of Krampus stuffing a child into a handwoven hamper because he threw a deck of cards at his mother for not letting him have a Peanut Butter Cup is included below for reference.