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Lone 17-Year-Old UW-Madison Student Glad he Can Sit this Election Out


For many, this election cycle has been full of tumultuous twists and turns, and in the first national election for many, the choices are not as attractive as they usually are.

Thankfully, for freshman James Knapke, of Sellery Hall claim, the New York school system did him real well.

You see, James, a native of Long Island, was born in December of 1998, but qualifies as a freshman because New York schools run birthdays January to December – whereas in the Midwest, the oldest students in each grade were born in September.

“I have to say, I might not be able to go to the bars until after all of my friends can, but right now, this is pretty dope,” said Knapke. “I won’t have to rationalize any kind of future choice to my kids, because I’m not allowed to civically participate along with the other kids in my grade!”

Knapke’s parents are, to say the least, elated. “We thought James would be a little upset that he would be the youngest kid in his grade at Wisconsin,” said his mother Debra, “but when we found out how happy he was to not have the obligation to vote this year, we were happy right along with him.”

“Technically, I’m a libertarian,” said Knapke, when asked who he would have voted for. “I’m pretty fiscally conservative, but also socially liberal. One of my best friends from home, Anthony, is gay, so I like, totally understand where he’s coming from. I really like Gary Johnson, but he doesn’t stand a chance anyways, so who really gives a fuck, you know?”

Many of Knapke’s friends at UW-Madison are excited to vote, but others are just as envious of his ability to avoid the election altogether.

“James is being really fucking obnoxious about it, honestly,” said Knapke’s statesider suitemate Alex Danson. “When I told some of my friends I was voting for Hillary they kept grilling me about her emails. This election fucking sucks,” he said, before executing a poorly-timed dab.

But Knapke refuses to be looked down upon just because of his age. “Sure, people still think I’m not old enough to be going to college,” said Knapke. “I just laugh to myself and think about how pissed they’re gonna be voting for someone they don’t like. And I can get my older brother to buy me alcohol – I fucking love Burnett’s, so I’d do pretty much anything to get my hands on some anyways.”


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