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Margaret Atwood Visits UW, Reveals Secret About Progressive Views

On Monday, April 3, renowned author Margaret Atwood delivered a keynote address to a full Varsity Hall in Union South. Ms. Atwood discussed her most recent book, Hag-Seed, and how it retells William Shakespeare’s The Tempest. Those who attended were overwhelmingly positive about Ms. Atwood’s lecture.

“It was an absolutely amazing experience. It was so surreal to be in the same room as one of my favorite authors. I’ll never forget this night,” said UW sophomore, Jen Smith. 

Others were slightly puzzled. “You know, I’d like for the person on stage to be Margaret Atwood, but I’m just not sure that it was her with all the fake news that is circulating today. I’m convinced that it was an alien imposter on stage,” said junior, Ben Johnson.

Johnson was not alone in his concerns. Many attendees reported the sensation of queuing in a ridiculously long line for no any apparent reason. The line began at Varsity Hall and went well beyond the Daily Scoop. Shockingly, these individuals could not recall that they were going to see Margaret Atwood.

“I’m not sure why I’m here. I just know that I am in a line and I will remain in this line,” said Madison resident, Gabby Willis. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that telepathic waves were emitting from Varsity Hall, forcing all persons in the vicinity to form a line. When the doors to the event opened, the line uniformly moved forward and individuals proceeded to take their seats. This continued for about forty-five minutes.

As Ms. Atwood entered the room, she was greeted by a rhythmic clapping, performed in unison by every audience member. The room grew silent and all eyes focused front and center, unblinking. Uncannily, Ms. Atwood gazed into the souls of the audience, effectively enrapturing every person. This created a hypnotic state, leaving minds susceptible to Ms. Atwood’s whim. As a result, much of what she said was forgotten, but the attendees subconsciously took in all her commands. How this will impact humanity remains to be seen.

Despite appearing human, Ms. Atwood seemingly revealed her true identity when answering a question about her stance on feminism. She replied, “Let’s just say I am an alien from another planet where there is no sexism. I do not understand why you earthlings have it.” The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to reach out to Ms. Atwood for comment regarding the controversy of her appearance. She mysteriously replied with a wink, “I have a belief: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.”

 

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