This week, Melvin Gordon wrote a letter to Badger fans to thank them for their ongoing support, explain his fondest memories, and to give a final farewell before heading to the NFL draft.
However, the Wisconsin Badger PR team totally intercepted it and instead presented the public with this letter. Though beautifully written and chock full of nostalgia, we can’t help but feel there are some very key details missing from this publicist masterpiece. Therefore, The Black Sheep is proud to present to you
#25’s actual thoughts:
For the last four years, I’ve had the chance to run and catch footballs and shit for the Wisconsin Badgers. It’s been an okay ride—I mean, Wisconsin is cool and stuff, but it’s cold and our head coaches keep leaving us—that I’ll probably forget about every now and then. Now I’m ready to get the fuck out of this godforsaken state and go after my dream of not being the best player on the team anymore in the NFL.
But first, I wanted to say thanks. Thanks to my coaches—ha, just kidding. FUCK YOU, BRET AND GARY. Thank you to my teammates. But not our quarterbacks… never our quarterbacks… quarterbacks, this thank you is NOT for you. Thank you to the University of Wisconsin for providing me with a free education. And the joke’s on you. I’m gonna be a professional football player, so fuck your diploma. And lastly, thank you to all the fans, specifically the jersey chasers at the KK, for making this such an amazing place to “play.”
Did you catch that? That was a double entendre. And people say jocks aren’t smart!
The games I’ve played in the Camp—which is what us super cool football people call Camp Randall, if you peasants didn’t catch that—will always be some of the best moments of my life. I’ll never forget this year at the Big Ten Championship against Ohio State where the score was…
Actually, forget that game. There’s probably a better example than that one.
Oh! I’ve got it! What about that game against Arizona State in 2013 that ended in…
You know what? Let’s not talk about the games. You get the point… I played them and stuff.
I was especially proud to carry on our great running back tradition of carrying the team on my back where that stupid look alike of Sunshine from Remember the Titans failed you guys completely—THERE’S YOUR SHOUT OUT, JOEL. And winning the Doak Walker Award too, I guess. And also representing our school and state at the Heisman ceremony in New York.
Oh, and for all you naysaying bitches who want to take this time to point out that I didn’t win that award, I have this to say: how many Heisman trophies have you won? Oh, you weren’t even nominated?
That’s what I thought. Moving on…
It’s hard to move on and leave something behind that you love so much. You may think that I’m referring to my coaches, teammates, and family, but really I’m talking about Greenbush Bakery. Without a doubt, this is Madison’s crown jewel. I mean, how do they make donuts so good be so cheap?!
Oh, I see what you’re asking now… you mean, is it hard to move on from being a Wisconsin Badger? Absolutely not. Barry won’t stop inviting me over to play Call of Duty no matter how many times I turn him down. Joel’s hair maintenance routine is unnerving. And lastly, drunk bitches that have apparently never heard of football before keep calling me Bob Marley—c’mon guys, dude is dead.
Out of obligation, I will say that I will miss this school and that you guys mean everything to me. But on the real, see ya later suckers, I’M GONNA BE RICH.
On, Wisconsin! (Again, this is completely out of obligation.)
Ya Boi Melvin
P.S. Who would’ve thought someone with a first name like that would end up being so damn cool?