Odds are your mom has a lot to say about your college drinking habits. “Do you really have to drink that much, that fast, in that outfit?” Of course, MOM. Yet she doesn’t get the chance to see you in your natural drinking habitat, and thank God for that. So, what if she were to get a look in on your average Thursday night at the best trash bar at UW, the infamous Red Shed? This is what she’d be saying in her passive-aggressive mom tone.
6.) “Why are you… here?”
The first question on her mind. Of all the places around Madison…this one? This is the place you decided on, really? We all make bad decisions in college, mom. Red Shed is cheap and won’t take your ID (probably), so we ignore the fact that every inch of the establishment seems to have a sticky substance over it.
5.) “Why is no one else here?”
A follow up question to the first, where the hell is everyone else? Sure, Red Shed is never “crowded,” per say, and that’s because it’s limited to true fans. Red Shed attracts a wide ranging, yet small, pool of visitors, from retired folks reliving the glory days to college freshmen sneaking through with their fake from Maryland.
4.) “How much alcohol is in that?”
Ah, so mom finally caught a glimpse of Red Shed’s (in)famous Long Island iced tea. They come in a mason jar that’s larger than your list of Saturday night regrets and have a taste more bitter than drunk texting your ex. The answer to the question, mom, is I have no goddamn idea. Enough to make my broke ass get dangerously close to buying one of their t-shirts. So, a lot? Probably.
3.) “Is this an actual shed?”
Mom thinks she’s a design expert ever since she watched Extreme Home Makeover. Sit down, Ty Pennington, this is a college bar, not a cocktail lounge. The tile floors might be ripped off from a McDonald’s bathroom, but it has heart. Just make sure you don’t drop anything valuable on the floor.
2.) “Did you just leave your drink unattended on a pool table?”
This is one of those mom questions where she asks you something you guys both know the answer to, yet she wants you to say it aloud to make sure you understand she’s high-key pissed about it. Yes, I left my Long Island chilling on the pool table while I struggled to fit in the tiny and decrepit bathroom. But all the old weirdos are hanging out at the bar, and I’m more likely to get harmed by this disease ridden towel dispenser, so have no fear.
1.) *Sighs and rolls eyes*
Actions speak louder than words, and this one speaks loudly of the disappointment and contempt that your mom feels seeing you try to lean seductively against the pool table at Red Shed. Don’t worry mom, we’ll feel the same way with ourselves in the morning.
All in all, drunk college students should be happy that a mother’s love is unconditional; there’s no way she’d still be dealing with you if it wasn’t. Go get her one of those Long Islands – she deserves it.
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