“It’s time, Nigel. Stop pussyfooting around that goddamn court and either take some motherfucking shots or I’ll trade your ass to Maryland in exchange for Melo Trimble in a heartbeat. And before you tell me that this is college basketball and you can’t trade players in the Big Ten, let me just remind you that stranger things have happened.”
Inspiring words from Coach Gard of the Wisconsin Badgers directed towards Nigel Hayes last Friday during a one-on-one meeting that was intended to “whip the long and lazy ass of that Ohio immigrant six ways from childhood Sunday school” and back into a player who typically plays like he belongs in the top tier of Big Ten players.
“Coach is entirely right, I haven’t been playing my best and I wholly deserve any cruel, unusual, and, I guess, legal punishment Coach throws at me,” Nigel said while salting the wounds of several open cuts on his arm as instructed by Coach Gard, who hopes this will remind the player that “worse things could, and WILL, happen” should he not fulfill his 35 point quota in the upcoming game against Ohio State.
It’s good news to hear that Nigel has realized he needs to do better in his role as an athletic public servant, if for no other reason than to please the student body that pays good money to watch the man perform incredible athletic feats. While it seems Coach Gard’s tough love regime, which he describes as a Friday Night Lights style of coaching if Coach Gaines took it up a notch, seems to be working on Nigel, a majority of the student body worry that this new revelation may have come all too late.
“While it’s good to see that Coach Gard is willing to do whatever he deems necessary for the Badgers to regain their star player, I’m worried that these actions have come a little too late in the game,” Sconnie Sports Talk contributor Amelia Scalia stated. “With only four games left this season, getting back the old Nigel at this point is going to take more than just a morning back flail with Gard’s lucky mace and a nightly 120 volt genital shock. Nigel’s been out of it for too long. If Gard cares at all about making up Nigel’s subpar performance in these next 4 games, he’ll have to go all in and take the player’s parents hostage.”
Even Becky Blank has expressed worry that Hayes’ legacy could be in jeopardy if he ends his four year tenure with the Badgers on a low note.
“What a disappointment, that kid, am I right?”, Becky said, referencing Nigel Hayes. “Here I am, trying to maintain the legacy of UW and higher education in this era of accountability stalker Betsy DeVos and curriculum burning Republicans, and this jackwad can’t even make a couple of three pointers? Sad! I’m just one woman, I can’t uphold the good name of the University of Wisconsin-Madison all on my own. Help a Diet Coke-drinking Missouri girl out!”
Nigel is an accomplished and talented player, which means we all know he’s screwing us over with his complete and utter disappointing performance. We can only hope Gard can find an international assassin willing to kidnap a pair of parents from the suburbs of Ohio before the season ends, or Hayes’ 4 year legacy could go the way of post-2016 Billy Bush.