In what may be the most over-hyped match up of the 21st Century, the #2 Ohio State Buckeyes will be travelling to Madison this Saturday to inevitably be destroyed by the Wisconsin Badgers, led by red-shirt freshman quarterback Alex “Horny For” Hornibrook. The match up has the Badgers as underdogs, but most know that no one with a nut for a mascot makes it out of Madison alive.
Therefore, tickets for the Ohio State game are going for premium prices this year, with sales averaging around $180 per ticket. Students with season tickets haven’t had to worry; others, though, like sophomore James Hampton, have had to go to great lengths to obtain these legendary and almost religiously sacred tickets.
Hampton, now a sentient, amorphous sweatshirt-donning Ogg resident, recently sold something of his that has every single capitalist-hating admin of the UW Ticket Exchange Facebook group up in arms: his soul. Senior Cameron Jamison obtained Hampton’s soul in exchange for his ticket to the Ohio State game, and now the soulless student roams the halls of Ogg much like one of the ghosts from Harry Potter. But according to Hampton, “It was worth it.”
“I may be in a permanent dissociative state, with the incapability to love or connect with other humans beings, but at least I can now see our defense shut down the Buckeyes in person,” groaned Hampton in a monotonous voice barely above a whisper that sent shivers down our spine. “It was a risky move, but you know how it is. When we’re 5-1 and a top five team in the country, sacrifices must be made.”
Jamison was asked to explain his desire for Hampton’s soul in exchange for the coveted ticket, to which he said it was the obvious choice. “Yeah, so I got season tickets, but then realized that I have a job interview in Cleveland the same day as the Ohio State game,” said Jamison. “I hear souls are going for premium prices these days, and with those clowns running all over the place I figure I’ll have a pretty good chance to pawn it off pretty soon.”
“Plus, I heard that James kid was a pretty nice guy,” Jamison added. “If there is a heaven, his soul is destined for eternal paradise. And since I own his soul, that means I’m destined for eternal paradise. It is pretty creepy just sitting in the corner of my room, though.”
Students around the southeast residential area have begun to notice Hampton’s presence, as a shroud of sandy-grey material follows the disembodied student around at all times. “It’s definitely distracting,” said junior and fellow-Ogg Hall resident Jenna Barnes. “He lives on my friend’s floor and the space around his room now is always kind of damp and smells like death. I guess if you’re a true Badger fan you go to these lengths, but it’s not a fun sight at all.”
While Halloween sound effects from the 1950’s played in the background, Hampton said he doesn’t regret his decision for a second. “When Jack Cichy records his fourth sack of the day and Hornibrook throws for five touchdowns and we beat Ohio State 49-0, I know I’ll have made the right decision in selling my soul,” he mumbled. “I haven’t even slightly considered the possibility of us losing, but at least everyone knows where my priorities lie now.”
When will PSL’s ever stop being a thing?