Late Saturday evening, it was reported that freshman Brandon Schank had failed to impress a woman by letting her know his place of residence – Phillips Hall, in Lakeshore. It was his third failed attempt of the evening.
“I just don’t understand,” Schank told a source from The Black Sheep. “With its adjacency to Four Lakes Market and a short, 18-minute walk to Union South, how could girls not be in love with Phillips?”
The failures are part of a broader trend going on throughout campus, said Dean of Students Lori Berquam. Apparently, the school just isn’t able to discourage students from the southeast neighborhood, and those in Lakeshore are almost always stuck in the dust.
“It’s a sad day not just for Brandon, but for UW-Madison as a whole,” said Berquam. “Back in my day, the sound of the word ‘Slichter’ alone got me going. But modern-day women and Badgers alike are just not enticed by the rich, natural experience of living in Lakeshore.”
Reportedly, Schank was in conversation with Sellery Hall resident McKenna Jamison, and things were progressing, according to Schank. “Yeah, we were at this house party. I got her a heaping cup of wop and things were going well from there.”
But then something changed. “We rattled off the classics – where you’re from, what you’re studying, your favorite Samuel L. Jackson role – but then I asked her where she lived,” said Schank. “This girl went on and on about how Sellery was apparently on some list of biggest party dorms ten years ago. When I told her I lived in Phillips, she just looked at me and laughed, walking away as she said ‘have fun walking to class.”
Schank reported seeing the same girl later on in the night asking a fellow partygoer where he lived and, upon uttering the words “Chadbourne” began sucking on his face like a bored sucker fish on a dirty fish tank.
Schank’s RA, Kali Tripplett, was surprised to hear the news as well. “Located just eight minutes from Steenbock Library and four minutes from the currently-closed Nat, Phillips’ 15’10’’ x 16 foot rooms are the perfect place to not only reside, but have messy, drunken hookups freshman year,” said Tripplett. “I mean, in the picture of Phillips on the website you can even almost see Lake Mendota! Is there anything more romantic?”
School police and investigators are on the case as to whether this is a problem with student Schank or resident hall Phillips, utilizing the best resources taxpayer money and student tuition dollars can buy. “It has been a slow summer,” UW police officer Shelly Grant said. “I’m sick of doing homicide paperwork for dumb students who’ve been hit by cars because they can’t be bothered to look up from their game of PokemonGo! before crossing the street. This’ll be a fun investigation. And hopefully a bit less morbid.” In the meantime, Chancellor Blank asks the students of UW-Madison to pray for this poor freshman and the other residents of Phillips Hall.
Ever wonder why freshmen really suck? We have the answers: