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7 Places at UW That Desperately Need a Liquor License

Everyone in Wisconsin is well aware of the pride that Badgers take in our party school ranking– which makes it an even bigger tragedy that Becky Blank and her posse are pushing so hard to make UW a “dry campus.” Alternative events during Mifflin, Badger football games, and homecoming just aren’t doing it for us, and what with a boozy Taco Bell coming to campus, we dreamt up a  few other places that could use some booze, too:

7.) Lobby of The James/The Hub:
Anyone who’s been to these monstrosities is well aware just how long it takes to even enter the elevator, let alone ride up or down in it. What could make it better? The sweet sweet nectar of the gods: booze. It would not only make the wait seem like nothing, but more importantly would make the ride itself fun as hell.

6.) College Library:
Just when any Badgers’ drive to study is fading (so, essentially about 10 minutes in) they take a shot or two and they’re back on track. After all, College Library already has the coffee shop, but not everyone’s a coffee person. Although the same could be said about alcohol, at the very least a study can finally be done on if alcohol helps with exams that are lost causes to begin with. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

5.) Gordon’s:
What better to go with their frozen burgers, grease-soaked pizza (so, just pizza), or any variety of their stale desserts on display? In all seriousness, Wing Wednesday’s would be better with some brews, so let’s make it happen. 

4.) Lakeshore Woods:
Give those sorry souls in Lakeshore something. Doesn’t even have to be a standard bar, it can just be a sketchy treehouse that sells the short coursers’ moonshine. If they’re going to be apart of the university, might as well have the rest of us sane folk benefit off of them.

3.) Crosswalk Between Charter and University:
Adding gasoline to the fire that is arguably the worst intersection during class rush hour, would be incredibly interesting. Suddenly the text-and-walker is the text-and-stumbler, and the impenetrable packs of students are so much looser and even more annoying. At the very least there’s potential for brawls stopping mid-day traffic.

2.) The Capitol:
Crafting legislation while blitzed as hell sounds like a winning combination. It’d be like West Wing, but half of it will be drunken, expletive-ridden, spittle producing, screaming matches. After all, Trump accomplishes his hourly ridiculousness whilst completely “sober,” imagine the possibilities of if he was drunk tweeting. At least for Wisconsin, it would make the annual bouts between Walker and Blank even more interesting and devastating.

1.) Camp Randall
This is Wisconsin. It is an absolute travesty that alcohol isn’t available in the temple of Badger football itself. Yes, the Badger student section gets rowdy enough as is, but the only path towards being not only the 12th man on the field, but that AND the 13th man, is booze.

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