For those who attended the football game over the weekend, the sheer anxiety of possibly losing the axe to Minnesota followed by the utter excitement of giving those Gophers another middle finger for the 13th year in a row will be nothing new to you. The game was close, and although Wisconsin once again came out on top, the down-to-the-wire tension of the game has left many fans and analysts wondering just what the hell happened on the 26th of November.
Partial answers to that question came early Sunday morning, as the Kremlin admitted to POLITICO that they were in contact with officials from the Minnesota Gophers in the weeks leading up to the game, as well as during the game itself.
“We had contact with several officials of the Minnesota team, with coach Tracey Claeys being our most trusted and communicative asset,” the confessional piece from the Kremlin read. “Minnesota has proven that they are far more worthy of the axe over these past 13 years than those drunk, cheese-headed imbeciles from Wisconsin. Our track record of meddling with American politics, mixed with the Minnesota coach’s need to overcompensate for something (if you know what we mean) was what caused Claeys to seek out our help, and we were more than happy to oblige. We’ve found that it’s quite fun to fuck around with other countries. Quite fun indeed. Watch out Canada. Ha, just kidding. Or are we? No, we are. But how can you be entirely sure that we are?”
The statement continues like that for 20 more pages, save for the 5 pages that are just pictures of a shirtless Vladmir Putin riding various animals in a mountainous field at sunset.
When asked for a response about this shocking (or, at this point, maybe not-so-shocking) revelation, Claeys stated, “Was it rigged? Who cares?! We lost, didn’t we? Enjoy your stupid axe for a fourteenth year and leave me alone!” Sources say Claeys was near tears during his statement, but whether these allegations are true or not remains to be seen. He probably was though.
The embarrassing defeat of Minnesota, made more shameful by the revelation of the Kremlin assistance, has many fans wondering just how Minnesota could lose with the resources of an entire country at their disposal. While experts have arrived at a unanimous consensus that, yes, Minnesota is simply that bad, several of them also believe that Russia bailed out around halftime.
Meghan Commy, a geographical analyst of political and athletic relations at UW-Madison, believes that Russia, after realizing that Minnesota simply couldn’t hold up their end of the bargain, bailed on the team after half time, resulting in their loss.
“The Kremlin were watching the game, for sure. With their help, they were probably expecting them to win by, like, a hundred points,” Commy explained to The Black Sheep. “I’m not sure what they did to help the team, but they soon realized after the 1st quarter that it didn’t matter what they did, the Gophers were just too far gone. Russia did their part, but Minnesota simply couldn’t pick up the slack. So they ditched. It may sound weird, but stuff like this happens more than you think. It’s why the university uses your tax dollars to provide me full time pay and benefits to study it.”
This is all the facts that have been released so far. The Black Sheep is standing by to update you on anything that comes our way in regards to this shocking turn of events. Happy cyber Monday!
If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: