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6 UW Campus Buildings That Could Use the “Pretty Witte” Renovation

This past summer, UW began renovations on its most beloved and shittiest residence hall, Witte. Coined by many as, “Shitty Witte,” the university thought it was time to rehabilitate their old, cruddy ways, and transform the dorms into, “Pretty Witte,” as University PR has been putting it. Students were eager to see the proposed renovations, but when they were revealed, disappointment struck. The construction project comprises of minuscule updates such as shoving in some air conditioning and connecting the A and B towers, for some reason. Nevertheless everyone is very excited and thinks it is very much worth  hearing construction workers start at 7 a.m.

Due to these mediocre and utterly disappointing repairs, we’ve come up with six other construction projects on campus that could be equally profitable and beneficial to students with the “Pretty Witte” renovation experience!

6.) Helen C. White adds 783 steps:

Good ol’ Helen could get seriously revamped. Helen C. White would have not only one, but two staircases that could allow more students to walk up seven flights of stairs. Students would feel twice as bad waiting for the elevator, nice!

5.) Ingraham Hall shaves their stalls:

Ingraham would go through a minor blemish fix that should only take up to 15 months. An ingenious construction company would need to concoct a plan to trim down the bathroom stall doors even more by three inches. This would not only have positive effects in terms of saving resources, it would also allow students to get closer with their peers. 

4.) Cool down the Agricultural Hall:

If you’ve been in the giant lecture hall, room 125, in Ag Hall, you’ve been close to experiencing the temperatures of hell – or the temperatures of Wisconsin in 45 years (#globalwarmingisreal). The university might finally realize the problem at hand and have so graciously decided to reconstruct the building by adding an additional box air conditioning unit. How many of these will Ag Hall have before they decide central air might be smarter? The world may never know.

3.) M.C. Escher-ize Vilas Hall:

Vilas is infamous for being confusing as shit. Where does one enter this building? What floor are you on? What the fuck is going on? To make student’s lives simpler, we could add an additional entrance on the first floor, with copious amounts of lights and signs that let students know, THIS is definitely the right entrance, probably.

2.) Submerge Goodnight Hall:
Don’t know where this building is? Not surprising. Literally the end of civilization (campus) is where Goodnight resides. A smart construction move would be moving Goodnight back 100 yards, completely submerging it into Lake Mendota. Will it be accessible? No, but at least people will be aware of its presence.

1.) Union South train tracks:

In an effort to bring back the transport mechanism that thrusted America into the industrial revolution, the university could decide to start construction on three new train tracks, having one on each side of U-South. Sure, this could make it difficult for students to enter and exit the Union, but it’s all about supporting and remembering our history, right?

Each project could be an exciting addition towards the future of UW Madison. If UW kept on this “light” renovation trend, they would probably hear some backlash about the proposed constructions, but would still proceed in the hopes students would learn to love them just as they learned to appreciate college: you love it, even though it’s slowly killing you.

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