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Why Hath the Drunk Food Gods Not Blessed State Street with Culver’s?


The Drunk Food Gods have decided, in their ultimate wisdom, to bequeath upon the Madison campus: a Taco Bell. Ninety-five percent of Badgers will tell you that this was a miracle on par with Stave 3.0 (A.K.A. Alex Hornibrook) not staring down a receiver and, in the process, not getting picked off. The other five percent, will remember what most people forget: Taco Bell can really consume one’s intestines in a tremendous post-taco blaze. Especially with Taco Bell’s susceptibility to mediocrity in mind, the nagging feeling in the back of everyone’s mind intensifies, that being: couldn’t we have gotten a Culver’s instead?

“I mean I’ll eat anything if I get drunk enough. Burger, hotdog, burrito, pizza, insert any Chinese food here,” junior Ben Colbert candidly professed outside Collectivo. “But if I’m being completely honest, not getting a Culver’s brings back memories of when I begged and begged my parents for an N64, and got a SEGA Genesis. A SEGA GENESIS. Sorry I need a moment, still raw about that.”

After collecting himself for 30 minutes, Colbert returned to offer some closing thoughts on the matter. “I mean what’s more Wisconsin, let alone American, than Culver’s? Taco Bell would be great, but I mean Culver’s! That would be the most Wisconsin thing since running the ball every damn down.”

The site for the new Taco Bell will be the graveyard where the institution of State Street Wendy’s used to occupy. Some people have left flowers and candles at the site,  giving thanks to the Drunk Food Gods for the new “blessing” of a Taco Bell. Representatives for the “Culver’s Coalition,” on the other hand, have begun circulating State Street seeking even more signatures for their most recent petition to have the fried cheese curd-slingin’ butter burger institution installed rather than the Mexican eatery.

The petitions may seem like a lost cause, but it’s worth noting that Taco Bell has existed in the space before, and didn’t end up doing well. The only difference with this newest iteration of T-Bell on State Street, is that it will serve alcohol and therefore be called a “Cantina,” – despite, unfortunately, not having an accompanying cantina band. Madison city officials can only hope they don’t have to post security guards to guard from riots, as apparently was a thing in the past.

There are even a select few that believe it shouldn’t be either a Taco Bell or a Culver’s, one example of which was Elizabethia Woods. “These fast food fascists are poisoning our bodies. This shouldn’t be a Taco Bell or a Culver’s, it should be another local coffee shop.”

There was no persuading Woods, even after pointing out the vast amount of independent coffee shops already on State Street. “There should be more, this should all be local business, none of these corporate pigs,” Woods stated in disgust before disappearing into Urban Outfitters.   

All that can seemingly be done at this point is to begrudgingly accept the well intentioned yet incorrect present from the Drunk Food Gods. After all, once drunk, is a burger that different from a taco? 

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