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The Real Question All Sconnies Want to Ask Out-of-State Students

To put it simply, why the hell would you want to come here? Let’s not get things twisted here—it’s undeniable that the UW-Madison is superior to all schools everywhere. We work hard, we play harder, and Bucky is really adorable. But all that aside, let us consider the Wisconsin climate. You left 80 degree weather and beaches for this? You cray.

 

What exactly do you like? Is it the 98% humidity in the summer? The sub-zero winter? The god-awful mosquitoes? The knee-high snow that lasts for 6 months? The lack of anything remotely green for the majority of the year? Or the common theme of experiencing every season in a matter of one week?

 

You obviously did not visit before deciding to move here, because if you did, I guarantee you wouldn’t be here. What did you do then? Look up pictures of Wisconsin online and became immediately captured by its beauty? Let me let you in on a little secret: those pictures are bullshit.

 

Pictures of beautiful summer days aren’t going to have images of people in the background with pit stains, make-up running down their faces and frizzy hair. Humidity is a bitch. Maybe you came here because you heard people from the Midwest are friendly. If you think we are waving at you, we’re actually just swatting a swarm of mosquitoes away from our faces.

 

The pictures of beautiful, blooming flowers in the springtime may look all sweet and innocent, but what you don’t see is everyone’s runny noses and puffy eyes because allergy season came in like a wrecking ball. If we seem calm and welcoming, it’s because we probably just downed a bottle of DayQuil or popped a few Claritin.

 

Looking up pictures of a so-called “winter wonderland” probably left you anxious for snowball fights and hot chocolate. But really, snow is fluffy and white for about a day, and then becomes black and collects on the side of the street in heaping pile. A better name for snowball fights would be ice ball fights. People get hurt, no joke. You also don’t see all the people busting their shit because they were caught off-guard by the ice under the snow.

 

You know why people drink hot chocolate here? It’s not because it’s good, it’s because if we don’t, the blood stops pumping through our bodies. Also it’s a lot easier to hide booze in a colorful mug filled with a dark liquid. You think we’re not going to be constantly drinking? It’s too cold to be sober here!

 

Pictures don’t show you the wicked windburn on peoples’ faces either. It may look like sunburn, but in reality, Mother Nature just slapped us in the face a few thousand times.

 

And unfortunately, it doesn’t matter if snow is knee high deep, or if the high for the day is only -40, school NEVER shuts down.

 

All that aside, I understand why you’re here. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to be a Wisconsin Badger. So all you out-of–state students out there, if you ever feel like you made a horrible mistake moving to Wisconsin, just know it could be worse. You could be elsewhere, not enjoying the greatest school to ever grace this Earth. Or you could live in Minnesota. So let’s just laugh at them for a bit. 

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