Is 3 hours enough time to get ready before you head out to a pregame for the showing of some Spanish indie movie for the Wisconsin Film Festival? The Black Sheep’s gonna break it down for you.
6:00 p.m. — You get out of work and have to catch the 38 in about 2 minutes, otherwise you have a 25 minute sober walk ahead of you.
6:03 p.m. — So you missed the bus… no worries, if you book it you can get home in like 20 minutes, right?
6:16 p.m. — “Slow down there, Jethro!” You definitely just tripped on the sidewalk while power-walking. It’s okay though, no one saw you… maybe. Just get back up and wobble home. The liquor will help.
6:33 p.m. — First thing’s first: 2 tequila shots for the pain. Then maybe do something about your bloody elbow; it’s gross tbh, and it looks terrible. On second thought, down those shots, grab a beer, and hop into the shower.
7:05 p.m. — What’d you do, rub one out? That took fucking forever! Let’s go!…by the way maybe brush your teeth, you got something funky going on.
7:15 p.m. — Grab another beer and put some pants on before your roommate shows up with his “girlfriend” (aka whore of the week) and accuses you of “NOT CLEANING ANYTHING EVER!” You simply don’t have time for that BS right now.
7:37 p.m. — What are you doing? You’re not even dressed. Good thing you spent the last 20 minutes prancing around your room in your underwear. We are aware that Flatbush Zombies recently dropped 3001: A Laced Odysssy, but that’s no reason for a 21 year old boy to lip-sync naked into his bedroom mirror for more than 5 minutes.
7:50 p.m. — STOP! Time for a few more shots. You need to be loosey-goosey baby by the time the bus comes. Also FYI: your shirt is inside out. Glad to see you dug through your hamper for this.
8:00 p.m. — It’s T minus 1 hour till that film festival flick you bought tickets to, and we’re positive your Spiderman shirt will impress that artsy-fartsy chick you invited. GO CHANGE. Go for a deep-V, but skip the scarf, you’re not Springsteen.
8:06 p.m. — Ohhh, what’s happening? Stop holding your stomach! What is this shit? Fuck. Get your ass to the bathroom.
8:10 p.m. — You done? NOOOOOOOPPE.
8:17 p.m. — Aight, dude, let’s go. Brush your teeth… again. Mouthwash. Saltines. 7-Up. Toast. Milk? Plus, you got vom on your shirt…..
8:25 p.m. — The bus comes in 15 minutes, or Google maps says it’s a 20 minute walk… so honestly it’s a toss-up, however given your previous walking experience we would suggest you take the bus. Grab a hot pocket… and a beer?
8:31 p.m. — You’re so sober now, are you gonna say something stupid when you get there? Probably. Let’s do another hot pocket and a few shots… just keep it down, this ain’t freshmen year. And we’re pretty sure there’s a limit on the number of times they let one person go to detox…
8:38 p.m. — What, are you still home?! Go catch your bus!
8:41 p.m. — You’re so lucky that Larry’s a nice guy. Now all you have to do is sit back and relax… and pound those beers that you snuck in your fleece pockets. Actually, there really is no sneaking; it’s a Friday on the 82. Go join those two guys in the back shot-gunning Hamms.
8:57 p.m. — Just in time. Find your chick, dude.
9:00 p.m. — Where is she? Where’s anyone? Don’t just stand there like an idiot. Do something!… You seriously didn’t check your phone this whole time?! THE SHOW STARTED AT 8!! Oh, man, good luck getting laid tonight now. That chick is never talking to you again.
9:10 p.m. — At least all the bartenders at Lucky’s still love you!