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Top 10 Best (or Worst) UW Whispers

 

We know what you’re thinking, “who the fuck uses Whisper?” Exactly. The Whisper app really brings all of Madison’s weirdos (and obvious liars) out of the wood work. Here’s a quick run-down of The Black Sheep’s favorite campus Whispers from terrible to awesome. It’s time to separate the basic bitches from the 40-year-old men camped out in their mother’s basements.

 

10.) The Nervous Little Frosh:

 

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Oh, no! Whatever will you do if your two friend groups that barely cross-paths don’t get along? Your panties must be in a hard twist over this. Odds are they’ll hate each other and battle it out to the death over who gets to remain friends with you.

 

 

9.) Someone’s a TA:

 

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Seems like there may be a few TA’s on campus who are a little too interested in the student body… we’re sorry, that was almost as cliché as students hooking up with their TA’s. Good stock photo though; really captures the forbidden love shared between a female student and her pervert in a public hallway.

 

 

8.) Now You’re Just Bragging:

 

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So answer a question for us Mr. 6 foot 4: Did you hook any Bettys with the glaring bait you threw out there? Any messages for hot-hook-ups? Oh, Slick Rick, you know damn well that anything under a 7 ft. giant is not too tall. Good job disguising bragging with a question though. We think you fooled your ego.

 

 

 

7.) We sooo believe you, Dr.:

 

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That’s why you’re spending your time basking in your self-aggrandizing magnificence on Whisper, right? You writing about bathroom games (eww??) and “adulting” Doctor, we just can’t.

 

 

 

6.) I’m Not Like Other Girls; I’m a Cool Girl:

 

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You’re just so different and quirky. It’s like you’re the perfect mix of Zooey Deschanel and Kristen Stewart! We bet you can dress-up for brunch, then change your sparkplugs and play video games while drinking black coffee. You’d rather watch Netflix with your big German Shepard than go out and chug IPA’s and PBR with the boys. You’re so unique!

 

 

 

5.) Paolo, Is This What Dreams Are Made Of?:

 

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Someone’s been watching too many movies. Props on digging back to 2003 when Lizzie McGuire became an Italian superstar though. We also would have accepted entries from 2008’s Taken or 1997’s Men in Black.

 

 

 

4.) We’ll Be Waiting!:

 

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Let us warn you though: it’s impossible. We’ve been making terrible jokes for decades. (Ok, a decade… hop off.) We are wondering what you’re doing on Whisper though? You can’t offend people anonymously! Half the fun is making extremely personal insults and creating a new beef with someone.

 

 

 

3.) Dirty MILFs:

 

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We couldn’t agree more, Dirk Diggler. There’s something about home-wrecking that’s extremely sexy. The watermarks in the picture’s background let you know she’s a classy lady, too. In all seriousness though, we are dying; if this is real, you sir (or madam) are disgustingly funny.

 

 

 

2.) The Fart Never Fails:

 

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Who says poop jokes are dead? Well, probably your boyfriend from all the toxic gas you make him inhale. We really hope the joke’s on you and he does it back, or pee’s in your shampoo, or shits in your toilet tank, or tells your mom that you’re into S&M. That’s how you know it’s real love. <3

 

 

 

1.) Too Many Apps?:

 

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Oh hon, we’re sorry. We know how embarrassing that can be when you have several pics of his J-hook dick on your phone and now he’s driving you home in the pouring rain… and he’s no BMW. One time we had a hunch that our GrubHub delivery driver was the same guy we met on ChatRoulette. He didn’t whip his dick out, so we can’t be sure.

 

 

 

BONUS: Hot Junk.

 

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Cause we couldn’t make the cut at 10. This is a smart post because it’s so relatable to everyone. We’re positive everyone and their mother would get on board the toasty junk train. What’s not to love? Hot bath—good, Bare junk—good, together— fucking great! We too enjoy a hot bath on our junk, hence The Black Sheep Jacuzzi—patent pending.

 

Madison, you one freaky-ass town. And for that, everyone loves you.

 

 
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