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Top 10: People NOT Qualified to Give You Advice About Finals

Finals are a difficult time in the lives of students, full of cramming an entire semester’s worth of information in the span of a week and a major hit to your bank account due to excessive takeout ordering. Because of this, it’s only natural to reach out to others for consolation—but choose wisely; while everyone you’ve ever met will give you advice, not everyone is qualified to tell you how to live life. The following are the top 10 people you should definitely NOT ask for any advice during finals week… we swear it’s for the best.


10.) Your current boss: “Pssh, you don’t even need to study. You’re smart—by the way can you come in like 3 hours early tomorrow?” How reassuring. You’re smarter than your boss at a restaurant. According to her, you’re the smartest person alive. You’ll pass with flying colors, top of the class, setting the curve. Or maybe you’ll just end up working overtime and failing.


9.) Your friend who already got a job offer (and as such, gave up on school): “It doesn’t even matter. I have like C’s in all my classes right now, and you don’t see me sweating it.” This is not you. You are still here to get a job. And C’s may get degrees, but they don’t get you a career—especially when you’re liberal arts major. Keep sweating.


8.) Your friend who used daddy’s connections to get into school: “Wait, finals? I‘m pretty sure only kids on scholarships have to take those.” And the sad part is she’s still getting a way better job than you since her father knows anyone who’s anyone, and he would do anything for his princess. If you ever get the chance to meet her father, that’s when you start to listen to her.


7.) Your Adderall dealer: “Yeah, you can definitely take ten. That’ll keep you up studying all night.” Keep you up, or knock you out. Either way, you won’t get much studying done. You’ll begin focusing on something irrelevant like the 500mg of Adderall in your system… or possibly OD (disclaimer: never EVER take 10 Adderall… we’re sure you know this, but the public service announcement seemed responsible). Your dealer may offer “study enhancers,” but he has no idea how to help you pass finals.


6.) Your judgmental aunt who didn’t even go to college: “You need to start taking school more seriously. Your mother told me there was a six-pack of Spotted Cow in your fridge when she visited you last. You need to buckle down, though you never were very good in school I suppose.” Ok sure, that’s why you’re at UW-Madison. And your aunt went… where, again? Oh yes, that’s right– fuck off.


5.) Your pre-med friend who needs to calm the FUCK down: “I’ve been at the library for 68.4 hours straight. I’m considering attaching a catheter. I only have six more days until my next final. I don’t know how I’m going to read the whole textbook 10 more times!” Holy shit. You thought reading your notes and scanning the important chapters would be enough—and truthfully, it probably is. It’s one final… for one class… that won’t even matter once you graduate.


4.) Your friend from high school who just got their GED: “Dude, chill out. It’s like not even hard. I can help you study.” He says as he blows bong hits into his iguana’s face. You haven’t seen him wearing anything but pajama pants in over three years and he was recently fired from Burger King, but maybe he could help you. After all, he is now as smart as you were… like four years ago.


3.) Your alcoholic roommate: “Just think, once you’re done with finals we can get plastered! Err, actually, did you wanna go get a drink now?” You love ‘em to death.  Game days and weekends have been a blast, but now is not the time. Do not get advice from your roommate. He didn’t even make it to half of his finals last semester. How did he pass? Is he still even enrolled here?


2.) Your professor: “The final is cumulative, but it focuses more on these last 4 weeks. If you’ve done all the readings and kept up with the course work and have been going to discussion, you’ll do fine.” So you’re screwed.


1.) The Black Sheep: “Study break time! Check out!” Yeah, we’re hilarious, and awesome… and not too proud to shamelessly plug ourselves. But we’re also terrible role models. Don’t listen to us ever… but READ US ALWAYS!

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