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Top 10 Places to Puke on UW Campus

Puke may get old, but puking doesn’t have to—not unless you’re going to be lame about it and puke in the same place all the time. I mean really, who makes it to the toilet every time anyway? If you’re going to blow chunks, might as well have fun with it! Hungover and not sure you’ll make it through that three-hour philosophy lecture? Take this opportunity to sit next to that one kid who hasn’t shut up since cleverly announcing, “Here! …Or am I?” on the first day of class. Don’t let that puke go to waste! Here are some ideas to get your creative, and digestive, juices flowing on our great UW campus:

10.) Down the garbage chute of Statesider:
Because fuck the coasties. That apartment building is already swimming in puke anyway, so no one will notice.

9.) Gordon’s Commons:
The watering hole of wide-eyed freshmen, there’s no way that you puking is the worst thing that the cafeteria has seen—as a reference, think of how you were your first year of college. Eat, drink, puke. Circle of life, baby. They don’t teach you that in biology class.

8.) In the library:
Hey, why not be unique? The library is full of bored student-zombies who just need a little entertainment to bring them back to life. Consider it your civic duty. Everyone staying in on a weekend to study may hate you for it, but fuck ‘em, it’s not your fault that they didn’t get their shit together during the week.

7.) In a sorority girl’s bed:
Don’t worry, she probably won’t notice, what with all the puke already there. How are you going to get in there, you ask? Well, that’s not really our job to tell you, now is it?

6.) In a frat guy’s bed:
There doesn’t even need to be a layer of puke there already—he’s so used to this routine that he’ll just automatically assume it’s his. Again, not our job to tell you how to get in there.

5.) Off a balcony:
Admit it, you’ve always wanted to try this. Make sure you have targets and a scoring system for the full experience.

4.) In front of your housefellow:
Lower their opinion of you good and early so there’s no way you can disappoint them.Besides, it’ll make things so much more efficient when they’re trying to figure out what rooms to go to for writing people up.

3.) In front of a cop:
Especially if you’re underage, because—loophole—you’re not drunk anymore!

2.) In a freshman’s laundry bag:
Freshmen are disgusting, so you’re really doing them a favor. Good thing no one thought of this when you were a freshman.

1.) In the Humanities Building:
With all those blank cement walls, it’s really more like an artistic statement than a smelly pile of toxic waste your body rejected. For bonus points, puke in the art department and claim it’s a political statement about Scott Walker. 

 

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