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Top 10 Ways to Bag Your TA

One of the first things you’ll learn when you come to college is that discussion sections are the bane of your existence. Filled with awkward silences, that kid who never shuts up but never actually says anything, and an ever-increasing guilt and stress when you haven’t completed a reading since the first week of class, ninety-nine percent of discussion sections are undergraduates’ personal hell. That other one percent of the time? The one thing that can actually make a discussion bearable? That’s when the stars align, the heaven’s shine down on you, and you somehow end up with a hot TA.

One in a million, hot TAs transform an arbitrary, painful discussion section into the ultimate challenge. For those of you willing to rise to the occasion, here’s the top 10 ways to get in your TA’s pants.

(Disclaimer: These strategies have yet to be tested on real people. Theoretically, though, A+ material.)

10.) Come to class in your best clubwear:
You have assets. Your TA has eyes. Take advantage of your hotness. Trust me, if you wear that low-cut dress or those painted-on skinny jeans to class, your TA will take notice. 

9.) Fail your first exam:
If you’re willing, failure is a great excuse to talk to your TA outside of class. If you’ve watched enough porn, then you already know, extra “tutoring” outside of class offers all kinds of opportunities.

8.) Maintain eye contact in class:
You’ve been trained to always look down when your instructor is asking questions to avoid being called on, but sustained eye contact is a proven aphrodisiac. Use this to your advantage. 

7.) “Accidentally” turn in erotica featuring you and your TA for your first paper:
If your TA wasn’t thinking about having sex with you before, they certainly will be when they read how flexible you are. And okay, maybe being able to hold your legs above your head is a slight over-exaggeration of your abilities, but they won’t know that until they are actually having sex with you. At which point, you’ve already won.

6.) Go to their office hours:
Ask any TA, and they will tell you no one ever actually attends their office hours. Lonely and desperate for human interaction, this is the time that TAs are at their most vulnerable. They will be so grateful for your mere presence, they may even forget you don’t have an actual reason for being there.

5.) Ask them about their dissertation:
Nod along and pretend you actually understand what they’re saying or stare on blankly as they ramble on for an hour, it doesn’t matter. Your TA will be spending years of their lives and thousands upon thousands of dollars developing a paper that only a handful of people will actually read. They need the validation of your faked interest. Give it to them and you’ll have the ultimate in to their hearts (and their pants).

4.) Give them alcohol:
No one needs alcohol more than grad students. No one.

3.) Explicitly proposition them:
Your TA chose to pursue academia. As such, they are, in all likelihood, exceptionally socially awkward and may not understand subtleties. Be as explicit as possible. Grab their attention. Leave no room for interpretation of your intentions.

2.) “Run-in” to them at their favorite bar:
This one will take some doing. There may even be some stalking involved. But if you’re truly dedicated to your cause, find out their favorite bar and pounce on them while they are drunk and uninhibited.

1.) Don’t:
Okay, yes, you’re right. Your TA is attractive, intelligent, and driven. They are leagues above the douchebag bros in pastel colored shorts and prepubescent undergraduates that currently make up your hook-up pool, but think about it: This is somebody who willingly put themselves through grad school. Clearly, there is something not quite right there. Do yourself a favor and go hit on the 9-to-5ers who frequent the Terrace every night. They will be much better adjusted. 

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