Many students have been up in arms recently about the news that the university would not be providing the second dose of the meningococcal virus serogroup B vaccine to students. We get that it’s hard to break bad news to young, entitled millennials, so here’s some phrases that aren’t “You’ve taken an important step to protect yourself against meningitis B! Today you received a vaccine which requires two doses. Mark your calendar and come to UHS in 30 days for your second dose”
*ahem* that would have made the disheartening news easier to bear.
5.) Due to budget cuts, we can only afford 1 dose of the vaccine:
Easy enough, right? Just blame Scott Walker for everything. He’s an easy target, especially with UW recently losing its spot on the list of top 5 research universities in the country for the first time in over 40 years. Insufficient funds is always the way to go.
4.) There you go, you’re all set. Because there is no second dose. Just this one dose is all you need to be immune from meningitis. Yep, that’s it. Good luck:
Lie. Seriously, if you’re going to lie, at least make it one that you can hide. The problem with promising people a second dose that the university doesn’t have is that, eventually, people will find out that the promise was a lie. At least this way people will have to do the work to find out if it was a lie.
3.) Since this shot is 200 dollars, and you students pay 100 dollars of segregated fees towards UHS, we’ll give you half the immunization because that’s what you paid for:
Fair enough. Honestly, the university wasn’t even really obligated to provide vaccinations for the students at all, save for the moral obligation to prevent a meningitis epidemic throughout the city and greater Wisconsin area…
2.) Fuck you:
A bit vulgar, but a plethora of statements sent to students from university officials regarding campus climate say this, just with more elegant wording and prestigious virtual stationary.
1.) We’re only going to be providing you with the first dose, so be sure to schedule an appointment with your physician to obtain the second dose a month after your initial vaccination:
This one is kind of out there, but letting students know beforehand that they would be responsible for being immunized with the second dose may have at least a few members of the student body a bit less angry over this whole vaccination debacle. Not enough to really make a difference, but it would’ve been something at least.
It may be a bit too late now, but perhaps keep this in the filing cabinet for the next time that a virus spreads around campus and you can only vaccinate a small portion of the campus.
If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: