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Law & Order UW: 7 Heinous Crimes And The UWPD Body Cam Footage We Demand be Released

The University of Wisconsin Madison has recently implemented the use of UWPD body cams. Seeing your moron-neighbors getting arrested would be quite entertaining, so here’s to hoping that the measure passes solely for that reason. In the meantime here’s a list of unique areas and their respective crimes that the said body-cameras will capture and bring to a halt. Hopefully, no longer will Obi-Wan Kenobi be able to describe Madison in the same way as Mos Eisley – “You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

7.) The 5-0 Flee:
College Court is a place that freshmen desperately search for, and admittedly we’ve all been to a party there at one point or another. It’s the crown jewel of the “Sophomore Slums.” While everyone’s drinking, dancing, and discoing, it’s almost inevitable that someone will ironically yell, “EVERYONE SHUT UP, THE COPS ARE HERE.” Everyone reacts in their own way: some speculate whether they’re lying, others repeat the command at an even higher volume, and a scattered few are ahead of the game and speculating who’s the rat that contacted the police in the first place. Regardless of the initial reaction, once proven, the cops showing up at any party is enough to send most scurrying. Nights get either ruined or more interesting, depending on your point of view.

6.) Camp Randall Catastrophes:
In general, it’s pretty difficult to be so sloshed to need UWPD to escort you out of the student section at a football game, but anything’s possible – odds which are exponentially increased whilst inebriated. What would be entertaining, is seeing the interactions the cops have with the unlucky, and usually under-aged, students – particularly if they try and disguise their drunkenness with the slurred, “I’m not that drunk.” Maybe next time they’ll save the alcohol until after the game, to the joy of the cops and the crowd around them.

5.) Scandalous skinny dips (In ‘Dota):
Skinny dipping in itself holds inherent risks, not even considering the increased presence of UWPD around Lake Mendota as night falls. This would just be downright embarrassing to see the nude exits from the lake, followed by the struggle to find the clothes they had tossed in their brief moment of joy. At the very least, some may get tickets to pin to their Bucky List as they cross off the act. If they’re lucky enough to avoid the ticket, those caught in the act will just have to hope they don’t run into the same cops in the future.

4.) Dorm drug busters:
The distinct aroma of that dank good-good, those doobies, that Mary Jane, that wacky tobaccy – is nearly impossible to hide. For those valiant astronauts riding reefer rockets to the moon, the worst sound is hearing a knock, followed by the dreaded, “Police, open up.” Seeing the petrified looks on the inhabitants of the room as they hope the cops don’t find the one-hitter and dryer-sheet-paper-towel-roll contraption hastily shoved in a sock in their top drawer.

3.) Union South Undercover Bike Thief Squad (USUBTS):
UWPD has been putting up the signs all over campus: Don’t steal bikes, we might get you with a decoy. It makes it seem as if there’s an entire operation outside of Union South (unmarked surveillance vans, patrolling undercovers with earpieces, guy in the van with all the tech, the whole nine) dedicated to getting those extremely dangerous bike thieves. Seeing a cop chase down a biker would be quite the sight to see, and seeing bodycam footage of the whole operation at work would also be ridiculous. We absolutely need a COPS-esque show based in Madison.

2.) QQ’s “Chinese food” operation:
Those who have experienced the glory that is QQ Express, have seen what a well-oiled machine their serving line is. The speed at which the line is forced to go provides ample opportunity for an incredibly stealthy drug operation. Perhaps the person next to you is getting a bit more than peanut butter chicken in their to-go box. It’s hard to escape the suspicion when the restaurant is weirdly in a basement. It could also very well be a counterfeit Badger apparel operation. Though drugs are more exciting, so we’ll wildly speculate that it’s that instead.

1.) Becky & Scott’s underground fight club:
With all that tension over UW funding, there’s just no way they wouldn’t try to find a release. Thus: a fight club beneath Bascom, where Walker and Blank, and their respective gangs, can release all the tension and hatred that exists between them. They both prepare all day for the bouts, Governor Walker via his protein packed brown bag lunches, and Chancellor Blank by practicing with martial arts student orgs. We can only hope that it’ll get so intense that the cops will be called, and we’ll get a glimpse of who may be the heavyweight champion of UW this year.

In the Madison criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate but equally important groups: the student body who is usually equal parts drunk, disorderly, and batshit crazy; and the UWPD juggling to keep the peace and finding humor in the students insanity. Body cam footage, would surely show us their stories.

Need something to do while being arrested? Try whippin’ out the ol’ JUUL:

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