Recently, Trump decided that Zack and Cody had it made, and in an effort to relate to youthful voters, he wants to re-boot the show right here on UW-Madison’s campus, particularly in Union South’s hotel. He also hopes to convert some Bernie voters to “The Suite Life”—as he calls it.
The Union South director had this to say: “We don’t want that asshole here.”
Although two pilots have already been shot on two separate sound stages, Trump is set on shooting on location at Union South, scheduled to begin the first of May. With only weeks left to plan the entire series, Trump seems unconcerned and instead commented that, “My hands are big enough to do this.” He is convinced that after the pilot is filmed, networks will be knocking down the back-door in order to sign the show for at least 30 seasons. He claims it will be the longest running show ever. CEOs of networks like FOX and Disney Channel are outraged, with remarks like “Fat fucking chance” and “I’d rather reboot Even Stevens with that hot mess Shia LaBeouf.” Even political figures are chiming in on the exciting new series, with Senator Marco Rubio saying “I’m no presidential candidate, but I’ll give Trump another 5 years tops on this planet.” Rubio then proceeded to support Trump as the GOP presidential nominee.
Regardless, shooting will go on as scheduled. Right now, Trump is looking for students’ help in casting (in the form of an unpaid internship). While Trump wants himself to be the only human main character, he is holding an OPEN CASTING CALL FOR CATS! The premise of the show will be him, as a young man, living in the Union South hotel with 6 cats. The Union, however, does not allow cats in their hotel rooms.
When asked about an exception to the cat rule, the Union South director had this to say: “That asshole Trump and his goddamn cats will NOT be filming here!”
Trump commented that the cats will be named after his opponents in the presidential campaign, which means all of his cats will be smarter than him. He will also be in charge of cleaning up after them since the hotel does not allow cats. “Dammit, Bernie, those are my best slacks, not your own personal scratching post. Hillary, no. Stop peeing on the bed,” are just some of the sidesplitting, on the nose jokes you’ll find in Trump’s new series. If you want your cat to play Bernie or Cruz, bring them to the open casting call on April 25th in the lounge outside varsity hall at Union South. The cat should be well behaved and not mind having to work with assholes.
The series is to be shot in the single camera style of shows such as The Office and Parks and Rec. The show will follow Trumps shenanigans around the hotel and campus as well as feature individual interviews with all of his cats. We’re expecting the drama and gossip to be off the charts; it should be a Real World: Road Rules situation. Even though the cats will only be able to meow, Trump is sparing no expense and is hiring a cat translator to create accurate subtitles for each of the cats’ one-on-one interview sessions. We’ve seen the original and redone pilot, and it seems as if Trump realized his cats hate him and fired the translator, opting to make up the “cat-speak” himself. In the first episode, Kasich Cat said, “Goddamn, if Trump doesn’t have the worst gas in the world! I think Bernie passed out.” Whereas in the new pilot, the cats said things like, ““All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” Or, ““It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!” Or, “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”
Trump is hoping that he can get the director of Union South to play Mr. Mosby on his new re-booted show. When we asked the director about this, he had this to say: “No, fuck no.”
There you have it! Tune in to The Suite Life of Donald Trump on Univision this summer. Currently, no contracts have been signed, but Trump is confident his show will be picked up by Univision, stating “I’m not worried. When I show them this amazing pilot, I’ll get the Latino channel vote.”