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5 Things That Will Happen at UW-Madison Now That Trump is President

Well, that happened. But guess what, we’re all still standing! A lot of you are probably upset and worried about a Trump presidency, and you’re entitled to that feeling. In case you’re wondering, here’s how a Trump presidency will affect you as a UW student.

5.) Bomb Meningitis Away:

His first act for the mighty Midwesterners is a fairly noble act. He plans to spend nearly a billion dollars on nuclear arms to throw at the UW campus in an effort to “wipe away all that bacteria that’s paralyzing the necks of our liberally brainwashed college students. Such a nasty virus.”

4.) Replace TITU screens at the Unions with 24/7 coverage of Trump TV:

Who needs to know where that lecture on domestic violence and world politics you wanted to attend when you can sit and watch news anchor paid for by Trump give the news. We can only hope they’ll play marathons of The Apprentice. “You’re fired!” Good times, good times. Things seemed so much simpler back then.

3.) Sexual Assault Victims WILL be Heard:

Unless they’re lying. Which they probably are. Most of them just want their 10 minutes of fame. Like that girl who carried around her mattress on her campus in protest of her abuser not seeing justice. Such an attention whore. Nobody loves and respects women more than The Donald, but these types of women don’t deserve his respect so it’s fine.

2.) More White People on Campus:

In all honesty, this isn’t really one of his direct policies. But a lot students WILL probably have to leave once he deports their family. Or they leave of their own accord. If you thought all those basic white girls with their vanilla frappuccinos with extra soy and no whip were too much, just you wait.

1.) Trump Will Own UW-Madison:

Trump’s biggest plan to is to buy up every public university in the country and replace all the bias, liberal teachers with teachers that he personally appoints that won’t brainwash our young generation. Making America great again starts with the next generation.

It’s not the end of the world. 30 years from now we’ll be watching the VH1 documentary of the 2016 election with perfect hindsight and have a good ‘ol laugh. But, like, one of those nervous laughs where you kind of chuckle in nervous way because you’re really embarrassed of what you lived through. Is it 2046 yet?

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