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The Unwritten Rules of Shopping at Madison Fresh Market

Everyone’s been there at least a few times for some milk, bread, toilet paper, or quick alcohol run for an underage friend, because who cares about the price when they’re paying you back. For any Madisonian who’s never been there, or is simply clueless, here are the major ground rules to follow if you don’t wanna look a fool.

4.) Bring at Least $300 With You:

Cash, plastic, or red card are all accepted. But, if you try to waltz in there with only $11 in your pocket you’ll feel dumb real quick when you cannot even afford a container of hummus. Their prices are all hella-jacked; it’s like Whole Foods without the whole. They even charge more than Walgreens for many items—everything at Walgreens is overpriced because it’s an under-the-table drugstore without price caps or government regulation. 

We wouldn’t recommend doing all of your shopping here, only convenience items that you need in between trips to Woodman’s or Target. The prices and selection just can’t compare. Fresh also lacks in the sportswear department. Really though, it’s required that all stores on campus carry a minimum of 5 items of UW spirit wear…

3.) Bring Latex Gloves:

Apparently they don’t want customers to use their bare hands when grabbing dried fruit and snack mixes from the clear boxes on the left wall. From experience we can tell you that no one will say anything, but the sushi chef will glare at you and use unnecessary force when chopping a roll into pieces. The little shovels that have been accidently dropped 4 times a day and haven’t been washed since the US had a White president are definitely just as clean as anyone’s hands… or our hands at least, what you do in your free time is none of our business.

2.) Be Prepared to Wait:

Besides paying $13 for a $7 bottle of Barefoot, you should also be ready to wait at the register while your cashier gets help because no one at that store understands how to check an ID. Look at the picture and the date. That’s it. If it’s fake it’s not your problem, right? Actually, maybe, we have no idea.

1.) Be Confused By Fetch Rewards:

Well, this isn’t so much a rule as a sincere question. What the fuck are Fetch rewards? Is register 9 for everyone or just people with Fetch? Is it a phone app? Or like coupons? It’s only on certain products and it seems like things no normal person would even purchase regularly, right? Or does it work on Babcock cheese? We don’t know, but that’s why we avoid it. Anything named after a game between a dog and his stick is not something you should be buying and putting in your mouth.

That’s it. You are now well prepared to do all your grocery shopping at Fresh. We’d tell you to be wary because of the prices, but they have an excellent selection of apples. So, yeah, definitely go there.

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