It was mere hours into the spring 2017 semester when the conservative majority of the Associated Students of Madison made the appeal to the university board of directors to defund University Health Services (UHS), citing it as a completely unnecessary and costly service that prevents students from “growing up” and only contributes to the issues of crippling student debt.
Majority leader of ASM, Alec Noah, devised the proposal for the Defunding of University Health Services Act over winter break, which, on an unrelated note, was hella short, right? Three weeks is just not long enough.
“I’m really proud of this plan, it’s just so incredible,” Noah told The Black Sheep. “I made, like 50 slides in my PowerPoint presentation citing how much of a waste UHS is, and how the near $200 each student pays for it every semester could be better allocated to other things, like free brownie Saturdays at Gordon’s or getting Canadian feminist novelist Margaret Atwood to visit the student union. Alternatively, we could just let the students keep that $200 so they can spend it on alcohol and stimulate our economy. Honestly, there are so many better uses for this money than the health of our student body.”
Other supporters of the act agree entirely with Noah’s ideals, suggesting that if students want to be healthy they should stockpile on Tylenol and/or invest in the university’s Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP).
“Honestly, if you don’t have $2,000 to spend on your health as a student-loan-crippled college student, you’re probably not much of an asset to society anyways and we’re better off without you,” said another supporter of the DUHSA, Arya Wasper. “Like, I don’t even use UHS. I just drive to the open clinic on the east side and flash the doctors my family insurance card. People need to grow up and not rely on their university to cater to their every goddamn whim. I’m so sick of entitled millennials thinking that being healthy is, like, their god given right or something. Survival of the fittest, bitch. And by that I mean those with rich parents will survive and piggyback off their parents success while the poor slowly die out.”
Sexual deviant Lily Tomei, who uses UHS to test for STDs, is also very much behind the DUHSA despite her frequent visits each semester for STD tests. “Psh, so they’re taking away the only place that I can easily access affordable and professional sexual health services? Big fucking deal,” Lily snided. “I can buy black market STD tests for dirt cheap with my birthday bitcoin money, and I heard one of the girls that lived on my floor freshman year performs pap smears in her basement for like, 25 bucks a pop. People are so soft these days. You can take care of yourself if you’re poor, you just have to put in a little extra work.”
When asked about her thoughts on the proposal, Chancellor Blank reported that she was taking Noah’s idea into serious consideration. “Times are tough, I get it. With these budget cuts and the tuition increases, something has to give. $400 a year may not be a whole lot of money, but every little bit helps to alleviate the pressure of debt on our students. Plus, nobody even uses UHS. The doctors can’t tell the common cold from a case of elephantiasis. And if kids are sicker, they won’t drink as much, and then maybe I’ll finally be able to ban alcohol from the Unions for good.” Becky Blank then proceeded to cackle as though she were a black cladded green woman with an allergy to water.
Remind us why we didn’t go to school in the south again?