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UW Basketball Team Concerned That Bronson Koenig Too Preoccupied with Dating Apps

Following the Badgers’ loss to Michigan State on Sunday, it has become clear that winning the two remaining conference games is key if the Badgers hope to have at least a share of the Big Ten title. This should be an easy task considering the final two games are at the Kohl Center. However, one obstacle stands in our way and that obstacle is Bronson Koenig. He may hold the school record for three pointers, but he also holds the national record for sliding into those DMs. Coach Greg Gard and the basketball team are worried that Koenig’s preoccupation with dating apps, Instagram, and Twitter have taken away his focus from basketball.

“Of course I’m frustrated with Bronson, with all this dicking around he’s been doing. Ha, dicking,” said a red-faced, chuckling Gard. “Anyways, he’s been skipping practice and didn’t even make an appearance in the Michigan game. This kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable.”

When asked if he’d take away Koenig’s starting position as a punishment, Gard laughed, replying, “And replace him with Brevin Pritzl? Yeah right. And you thought my jokes were bad.”

The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit in on practice this Tuesday. Surprisingly, Koenig was present. However, as the rest of the team began warmups, Koenig was still on the sidelines, glued to his phone and swiping left. As Gard yelled at him to join the team, Koenig stuck out his tongue and continued to send out an incomprehensible number of direct messages to Instagram models. He remained like this for the entire two hours. During the practice, a number of players appeared to look longingly at Koenig. Matt Ferris, bench correspondent, explained their sentiment: “What can you do? I mean, we all aspire to be like Bronson. It must be amazing to be in such a God-like position where you can literally do nothing at practice and still be considered one of the Wisconsin greats. Meanwhile, I give it my all and I rarely see any action. On or off the court. Thanks, Coach Gard.”

Despite Koenig’s starting position, his lack of dedication to basketball is apparent, and the coaching staff is beginning to notice this. “We’ve always known Bronson to have a predisposition for Tinder, but this is getting out of hand,” remarked assistant coach Lamont Paris. “I am genuinely concerned that his focus is shifting from basketball to dating for good this time. With March Madness approaching, it is paramount that we redirect his attention.”

The Black Sheep attempted to contact Bronson by messaging him on Twitter, asking how he planned to get in the right mindset for the NCAA tournament to which he replied, “Come chill?”


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