Due to the pioneering efforts of Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, and Counselor to the President, Kellyanne Conway, UW-Madison will be the first university in the country to offer an alternative facts course. What was at first a blunder uttered by Conway on Meet the Press, has rapidly become a topic of discussion on university campuses.
Madison was selected to be the first university in the country to feature an alternative facts course because of its nationally recognized sociology department, and as a result, the university’s “liberal agenda” must be reviewed, according to Secretary DeVos. On Wednesday, DeVos delivered a national address: “Madison is one of many liberally misled universities, and it has become a breeding site for socialism. She even quoted our own Chancellor Becky Blank as having said: “I fear this campus is being overrun by liberals—we must show these students their place. Please save us.”
The Black Sheep reached out to Blank for comment to which she succinctly replied, “I didn’t fricken say that.”
When asked for comment on DeVos’s slandering of Blank, Conway replied, “Oh you know, well, yes it was a direct quote from Blank, so what if Blank is saying she never said that. We were basing our quoting off of alternative facts, we thought that would have been pretty clear in the direct quote of the alternative fact quote we got in an alternative way not from the person who we were quoting. Aren’t you guys supposed to be college-educated? See, your inability to follow me is exactly why we need to implement this course here.”
The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to receive a sneak peek at the proposed syllabus and the class covers a remarkable breadth. The class begins with the beginning of time itself; how the world as we know it today evolved out of Westeros through a ‘game of thrones’, so to speak. Next, we travel to Shakespeare’s England and see him up late working on a play on his MacBook. He was able to make up so many words because they didn’t have spellcheck back then. We then fast forward to America’s early days and Alexander Hamilton’s presidency. President Hamilton’s greatest accomplishment—a fact as universally acknowledged as that of a good fortuned single man must be in want of a wife—is his introduction of rap and hip hop to American culture. This is followed by an extensive unit covering the greatest American minds, including (but not limited to): Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, Nelson Mandela, Margaret Thatcher, and Justin Trudeau. Why has this wealth of knowledge been hidden from the American public for so long?!
The course will be held in the new building dedicated to the important study of underwater basket weaving, located at the intersection of Observatory Drive and University Avenue. Students interested in this course are encouraged to attend the information session, “That’s Simply Not True: How to Turn Fiction into Fact.” This event will be held on the 20th floor of Social Sciences on February 30th. A gourmet meal catered by Gordon’s, with the new performance-enhancing drink Aspire, will be served. To find out even more, visit the official alternative facts course website at umn.edu
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