With many of the high school students currently touring UW being born in the new millennium, Becky Blank has decided to do away with any mention of pre 2000’s culture on campus. “We need future Badgers to feel right at home at UW; we are updating campus to irradiate everything old-fashioned or NSYNC related,” said Blank at a press conference earlier this week. UW has enlisted the help of 10-year-old Ralphie Johnson to rename campus buildings so that even kids born after 2000 will understand.
8.) Union South becomes “Jeffry”:
“You told me to give the buildings names! He looks like a Jeffry.” To be fair, Ralphie was told to give the buildings names. A more concrete direction manual will have to be drawn up in the future. Jeffry though? Not even a nice strong William or Dave?
7.) Bascom Hill becomes “Log-Roll Central”:
This became the longest stop on the tour of campus because Ralphie literally rolled down the hill 17 times. And during passing time hundreds of students were taken-out as Ralphie barreled down the hill, so for a few minutes the hill really did become Log-Roll Central.
6.) The Terrace becomes “Drunk City”:
There were quite a few students day-drinking on The Terrace. Many also had ice-packs after the log-rolling incident of 2016. “Quack, quack, quack!” Ralphie squawked while chasing the ducks off the steps. He has such a cute little lisp….so, he actually wanted to call the Terrace “Duck City,” which also makes sense and is more likely to get passed by the University Board.
5.) The S.A.C. becomes “The Sack”:
“Hee-hee, I bet it smells in there,” smirked Ralphie. The university assures everyone that The Sack remains a great place to study and it does not smell. “It’s probably all sweaty in there too! Hahaha.” With that Ralphie was ushered to the other end of campus.
4.) Science Hall becomes “Castle Black”:
“I hear my mom always talking about Castle Black from that scary show about ice zombies that I only watch sometimes,” Ralphie explained to us when we asked him where he heard that Game of Thrones term. Perhaps Ralphie’s mother should invest in a V-Chip for his still innocent mind.
3.) Camp Randall becomes “Just a Football Stadium…”:
Ralphies eyes grew larger than his face, “Where are all the tents and the bonfires? There are no canoes or hiking trails!” Unless you count walking to the bathroom a hike, Ralphie has a point. To help with the confusion outdoorsy students may feel, Just a Football Stadium is a perfect title. Upon leaving Just a Football Stadium Ralphie pointed at the tall statue out front, “That belongs in front of the Sack.”
2.) Grainger Hall becomes “Really Expensive Space Station”:
Ralphie gazed in awe as the water streamed peacefully down the lobby waterfall. “This place is really nice. I want to Po!” Ralphie demanded, obviously referencing the Star Wars character and not the famous red teletubby seeing as how he was born in ’06. “This is nicer than my parents’ house,” Ralphie exclaimed. And it will only get nicer Ralphie, don’t you worry.
1.) Humanities becomes “Fudge this”:
Only Ralphie didn’t say fudge. “Please, please, please don’t tell my mom!” He had a long day so UW let this one slide and got him some Babcock ice cream for his hard work. After all, who hasn’t said ‘Fuck this,’ when they walk into Humanities.