Ever wonder what Becky Blank’s Tinder profile would look like if she wasn’t married to that buzzkill Hanns (of the not-Zimmer dynasty)? Or if Bucky would be a sweetheart or a total fuckboy on online dating/banging apps? Well, if you’re a basic shit like us, you have. And since we have tons of funds and even more tons of time wonder no more, for we have ran a What-if scenario on several of your favorite UW celebrities, and the results may surprise you. Except for Bronson. Celebrities, man, they can do whatever they want to us. And that’s A-ok ;).
This saucy Missouri native will take you on a lit night consisting of eating gyros on State Street while discussing the deep implications of the budget cuts on the UW system.
Do you know anything about his personality? No, but it doesn’t matter when you match with the 6’4” star of the UW basketball team.
The famous hermit who is actually a real person and actually hangs out beneath the UW campus in the steam tunnels, this man is a total softie, and always up for a fun romp through the scalding steam tunnels. A steamy date, indeed.
He may not know how to spell, but, like, he’s powerful, and is super into infrastructure or something. You want a strong man, this dude endured a heavy recall election and lived to tell the tale. Just don’t expect him to live past 60 with his current diet.
Oh, so, given a voice, Bucky is actually a fuck boy. If you look back on it, all the signs are there. Always showing off his muscles, a total attention whore at any event he goes to, and he’s ALWAYS wearing Under Armour shoes.
The Terrace is a total softie, and they’ve really been working on improving their entire self for the past 2 years. They really care, you should definitely swipe right if you come across this little gem.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…