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Tinder Profiles for UW’s ‘Sexiest’ Icons

Ever wonder what Becky Blank’s Tinder profile would look like if she wasn’t married to that buzzkill Hanns (of the not-Zimmer dynasty)?  Or if Bucky would be a sweetheart or a total fuckboy on online dating/banging apps? Well, if you’re a basic shit like us, you have. And since we have tons of funds and even more tons of time wonder no more, for we have ran a What-if scenario on several of your favorite UW celebrities, and the results may surprise you. Except for Bronson. Celebrities, man, they can do whatever they want to us. And that’s A-ok ;).

Becky Blank:

This saucy Missouri native will take you on a lit night consisting of eating gyros on State Street while discussing the deep implications of the budget cuts on the UW system.

Bronson Koenig:

Do you know anything about his personality? No, but it doesn’t matter when you match with the 6’4” star of the UW basketball team.

Tunnel Bob:

The famous hermit who is actually a real person and actually hangs out beneath the UW campus in the steam tunnels, this man is a total softie, and always up for a fun romp through the scalding steam tunnels. A steamy date, indeed.

Scott Walker:

He may not know how to spell, but, like, he’s powerful, and is super into infrastructure or something. You want a strong man, this dude endured a heavy recall election and lived to tell the tale. Just don’t expect him to live past 60 with his current diet.

Bucky Badger:

Oh, so, given a voice, Bucky is actually a fuck boy. If you look back on it, all the signs are there. Always showing off his muscles, a total attention whore at any event he goes to, and he’s ALWAYS wearing Under Armour shoes.

The Terrace:

The Terrace is a total softie, and they’ve really been working on improving their entire self for the past 2 years. They really care, you should definitely swipe right if you come across this little gem.


Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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