The UW physics department has discovered what appears to be a parallel universe that is nearly exactly the same as ours, but with one small difference: Thong Cape Scooter Man won the Electoral College on November 8th. Steven Hawking believes this revelation to be, “possibly the greatest discovery of our lifetime and future lifetimes to come.”
It was a normal day for UW Physics researchers on January 20, 2017, as the scientists argued about whether or not La La Land was actually that good while they performed extensive tests and research on String Theory. “We were performing a test that involved creating a window that would allow us to view this parallel universe, the details of which I won’t go into because I’m 99.8% sure neither you nor your readers will understand it anyways,” said Walter King, head researcher who led the project that discovered this new universe, dubbed by him as “The Thongverse”. “We didn’t necessarily expect much to come out of it, much like our hundred other past attempts to break through the ‘weird invisible strings’ as your readers are statistically likely to call them. What we discovered was truly horrifying, as it can no longer be spoken as a joke that we are living in one of the darkest timelines. That is now a fact.”
The researchers spent the past weekend watching television from the alternative timeline in order to get a feel for the new world they discovered, and what they found is a universe that is astronomically better than ours in just about every aspect.
“The celebrities, the TV shows, the issues plaguing their world were surprisingly very similar to ours. Well, that is, until Thong Cape Scooter Man, which he prefers to go by in this alternate world, was sworn in as President of the United States of America,” King explained with a glim of sadness. “He ran as a third party, one he created himself called the ‘fuck this shit’ party, and gained an astronomical amount of traction against both Clinton and Trump. With his track record of not wearing clothes and having literally no political experience whatsoever, many people in the Thongverse believed him to be a write-off who wouldn’t go anywhere. But, as we know, the American people don’t actually seem to care about experience when it comes to the highest office in our government.”
King then explained the improvements Thong Cape Scooter Man made to the country within his short time as president, such as beginning to reverse the nation’s deficit through the taxing of legalized marijuana sales. He also appointed Tunnel Bob as the head of Urban Development and Housing, and he has already promoted a plan to house countless numbers of individuals underground in an effort to combat the growing number of homeless citizens in the country. He even appointed Meryl Streep as the Women’s Czar, because, yes, there needs to be a czar for that.
The researchers mentioned that they were able to hook up to an internet connection within the Thongverse and looked up some of the high ranking people under his administration. “It appears Kellyanne Conway is still constantly on CNN,” King revealed. “But instead of discussing alternative facts, she is constantly criticizing the President for being unqualified, inexperienced, and unknowledgeable of local, national, and world politics. She’s always talking about how Ted Cruz was the most qualified man for the job and loves to accuse the people of the Thongverse for being idiots who appointed a clueless man who thinks Aleppo is a type of pasta dish. Real Nobel Prize winning stuff.”
Attempts to make contact and enter the Thongverse will begin immediately, as researchers hope to emigrate there ASAP.
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