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UW Student Forcibly Removed from Terrace Chair Due to Overcrowding

This weekend marked the return of the terrace chairs to UW’s Memorial Union. While it was an exciting day for many, one student, Jackson Marks, found himself aggressively dragged from a terrace chair due to overcrowding at the event.

“I was just sitting there, minding my own business when this dude comes up to me and says, ‘Yo, Bucky wants your table.’ So I turned around and sure as hell there was Bucky Badger himself right in front of me,” said the still-bleeding Marks. 

Bucky Badger was unable to be reached for comment on the situation.

“His friend just kept yelling ‘You gotta get up man’ and I was all like, ‘There ain’t no way I’m giving my spot up for an anthropomorphic badger!’ Things escalated quickly and the next thing I knew I was being dragged out on my ass by campus police. I didn’t even do anything!”

University spokesperson, Steven Patrick, commented, “This situation was solely due to overbooking of The Terrace. This was the first weekend it was open again and we severely underestimated the public interest.” He continued, “We take pride in the fact that so many people love and enjoy The Terrace and its chairs. However, this popularity is a blessing and a curse. With so much demand for brightly colored deck furniture, conflicts are bound to arise and students are entering at their own risk.”

Patrick says that there were steps taken to try and avoid the conflict, but they were ultimately unsuccessful. “If we need someone to give up their chair for someone else, we’re allowed to offer compensation for the inconvenience. I was told that the young man was offered items such as a free ice cream cone from Daily Scoop or a $10 University Bookstore gift card, but he was so drunk and belligerent he wouldn’t comply. He just kept shouting about not giving up his seat to a ‘seven-foot, red and white hairball.’”

The incident has sparked debate and controversy across campus. “That frat boy should have just given up his seat if he knew what was good for him,” said UW senior, Jenna Smith.

“I think that what happened is despicable,” said UW freshman, Randall Kramer. “I mean, if that guy was there first, he deserves to sit there! But more importantly, they better not confiscate the Terrace chairs for this!”

Regardless of one’s stance on the issue, there’s no denying the impact it has had on campus. Activists around the city are rallying around the call for justice. A “Sit-in” protest has been organized outside city hall and a petition to double the amount of Terrace chairs has been circulating around campus, gaining over 40,000 signatures in two days. As for Trent Baker? He’s just glad it’s all over. “I don’t really care about all the social justice or whatever,” said Baker. “I just wanted somewhere to sit, relax, and get blackout drunk.”

 

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…

 

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