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Becky Blank’s Booze Free Events Fail Miserably to Distract Us From Mifflin

With April coming to an end and the looming presence of finals closing in on students, there’s still one sacred weekend just ahead where you can leave all your worries behind.

With Mifflin week in full swing, so are Becky Blank’s deceitful efforts to shove her alcohol-free campus agenda and “alternative events” onto the student body.

We talked to one student about the scheduled events, “An ‘All-Campus Party Week?’ Yeah, OK. This ‘party’ doesn’t feature any alcohol and blacking out is, like, so not encouraged. What kind of weird party is that? Sure, Breakfast with Bucky sounds appealing, but where are the mimosas or bloody mary’s? You can’t have breakfast without breakfast beverages– it’s just wrong.”

Other events were more well received, such as the chalk contest in Library Mall. Communications student Becky Black spoke to us about it: “So, that chalk contest was totally impressive, but honestly, just another feeble attempt to get us to curb our drinking. You can’t distract us with chalk forever, Becky!! GOOD LUCK TRYING!”

Becky Blank has also planned a free concert at the Union the same day as Mifflin. We were unable to find any students planning on attending the concert to interview.

“Overall, it’s a cute attempt, I get what she’s trying to do, but it would be sacrilegious to turn our coveted #1 party school into a ‘dry’ campus. It’s too painful to even imagine,” said Kevin Jackson, UW senior. 

It’s unlikely that Becky Blank’s scheduled events will change much of the student’s behavior, but only time will tell if it has a lasting effect on the future of Mifflin. 


Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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