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UW Comprehensive Weather Report Predicts the Unthinkable

The Black Sheep has expanded our expertise to now provide weather forecasts for students across the nation, and with our planet being unable to keep up with humanity’s lit industrialization style like a total pussy, the weather for next week is a bit kooky. If you decide to stop reading after this paragraph, can we just recommend that you shell out 3,000 wing wangs for a military-grade radioactive chemical protection suit if you haven’t already? You’ll want it for Tuesday.

Monday: Heat Wave with highs of 120 degrees.

Warm weather is back people! If you loved such things as last Wednesday’s 70 degree day, then you’ll love Mother Nature’s newest effort, inspired by Exxon Mobil, on Monday. The more heat the better, are we right?

Tuesday: Lake Mendota water level set to rise 4 inches and engulf The Terrace.

Yeah, now this one isn’t great news. Sandbags aren’t going to stop this aqua-fucker from getting the newly built Terrace all wet and pruney. Get ready for another 2 years of construction before you can enjoy all the self-indulgent privileges of The Terrace again.

Wednesday: Ah, shit, it’s snow again. 8 inches of snow to be exact.

Ugh, back to this? And you thought the flooding was bad. Be ready for classes to not be canceled even though you’ll need a shovel to hack through the wall of snow like Indiana Jones hacks through that seemingly infinite jungle foliage. Just be sure to steal a Gordon’s tray so you have something to sled down that one hill by Liz Water’s or whatever basic shit freshmen do now.

Thursday: -40 windchill, but also a thunderstorm somehow.

And guess what? Classes still won’t be canceled.

Friday: All the trees along the lakeshore path set to release toxin that will cause the receiver to kill themselves in an outrageously hilarious way.

Nobody really knows how this is possible, and the concept of trees as sentient beings with enough self-awareness to successfully concoct a toxin that forces humans, and only humans, to kill themselves in very kooky ways deserves to be explored in, like, a movie or something. Regardless, stay away from the lakeshore path. You’ll kill yourself, and people will laugh before they also kill themselves. It’s a whole thing.

Saturday: Fog thicker than the tension between your Planned Parenthood advocating roommate and their conservative, Trump supporting pastor of a father.

Let’s be clear: you will NOT be able to cut this with a knife. Now, of course you’re still going to go out Saturday, it’d be absurd not to. But we recommend going to one bar and sticking to it until you’re ready to cash in for the night. The fog is expected to create much resistance for walkers, and officials estimate at least a 20 minute delay in any commute by foot. Also, there may be otherworldly monsters contained within the mists, so probably watch out for that in addition to that guy from The KK who’s been following you ever since you left.

Sunday: Cloudy with a chance of sharp, dagger-like icicles raining from the heavens.

While the weather is expected to be a cool 55 degrees, icicles sharpened to the point of being able to cut through human skin with the slightest of touch are guaranteed to hail down onto innocent civilians. And it may be Sunday, but class still won’t be canceled, so don’t forget your steel umbrella.

That’s it, your seven-day forecast brought to you by The Black Sheep. Stay safe, and watch out for terrorists on your daily walks outside. They could be anywhere, and they are highly dangerous.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.

 

 
 

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