Everyone knows about Vilas Hall. Everyone hates Vilas Hall. Everyone has gotten lost in Vilas Hall at least once, and some have even found the need to utilize the help of a young princess with a magical ball of yarn in order to find their way out. If you’ve never had the pleasure of visiting Vilas, thank the gods, for you are a lucky one.
With this building being so infamously sadistic, the age old question that has been on everybody’s mind since the dawn of Vilas is “Who the fuck designed this building and, more importantly, why the fuck did they design this building?” The answer to who, an apparently forever youthful architect from J.J. Flad and Associates named Don Tey, is not necessarily mind shattering. The answer to why, however, will have your mouths going “ohhhhhhhhhhhh” for quite some time.
The Black Sheep reached out to Don Tey who, despite being the architect for Vilas Hall in the 60s, was quite youthful and chipper, if not slightly brooding. When asked why the hell he would design a relatively important building in such an awful manner, he answered “Ha, hell. That’s the answer.” “Look kid, I was at J.J.’s for years before I got that gig. Architecture is really fucking boring, and after designing McDonalds after McDonalds after one A&W, I was pretty numb by the time I got assigned Vilas.”
Don explained that Vilas was to be his swan song in the architecture business and, although he didn’t care much about how the building turned out, he had to create something. “That’s when my now good pal Satan showed up,” Don said with a glimmer in his eye. “I just needed some design, any design, to show my superiors and then I could go follow my dream of working on Madison Avenue. In a moment of desperation, Lucifer himself appeared before me and offered me some old blueprints he made of hell when it was under construction during the dawn of time.”
The Black Sheep was able to track down the prince of darkness (honestly, it ain’t hard; all you got to do is say you’ll trade your soul for literally anything, or shove an old lady into oncoming traffic. We did the first one, don’t worry) in an effort to learn more about these blueprints from hell.
“Oh, you spoke with Don? Man, that guy is great, isn’t he? I remember, he traded me his soul for some half-ass blueprints and eternal youth. He probably should’ve asked for just plain immortality, cause he may not age, but he can still die. And he gonna die real soon; and then I’ll get to collect,” Satan said in a diabolical tone while rubbing his hands together maliciously.
“As you can tell, Vilas was based on some very early blueprints of my eternal kingdom of torment,” Satan began to explain. “In my early days, with that whole angel business behind me, I was looking for a nice, homey torture world where I could store my souls, something with a little more edge than my previous home in Heaven. I soon realized, however, that this world is pretty awful, and I was going to need a much more convoluted system for storing all of those tortured souls. So I went back to the drawing board and worked feverishly for centuries until my domain became the seven ringed hell you see before you. Or will see one day, God willing.”
Satan then got a page (yes he still uses a pager) from the infamous demon(s) Legion, the topic of which he wouldn’t divulge, and de-materialized into a black cloud of nightmares and Katherine Heigl.
So every time you step into Vilas just remember, the torment you’re experiencing wasn’t even torment-y enough for actual hell. Do you really want to spend an eternity in a place worse than Vilas (which, let’s be honest, is unimaginable)? Be a good person, spread kindness and love, or die and go to Vilas on steroids. It’s your choice.