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UW Junior Denies Friend Trying to Visit for Freakfest, Cites Too Much of Lightweight

 

After a heated text conversation, UW-Madison junior Sarah Hellmann decided to take a stand against the notion that “just anyone” can visit Madison on Halloween weekend by telling her best friend from home, UW-Whitewater junior Stacy Johnson, that there would not be any room in her two-bedroom apartment in Aberdeen come Freakfest.

“Honestly, having visitors come to stay in Madison, especially during Halloween, fucking sucks,” said Hellmann. “I’m just trying to get drunk and go to the main stage by the Capitol, and I can’t really do that when my friends and their below-average drinking habits just can’t keep up.”

Hellmann is likely the first in what is to be an upwards trend in UW-Madison students saying “fuck no” to anyone that wishes to stay with them for a major party weekend, such as Halloween or Mifflin. For visitors, many are beginning to fear the worst.

“Madison was my top choice for school, and I’ve been there for Halloween before – it’s so much fun,” said Johnson. “I don’t know what Sarah’s problem is, but she’s kind of being a huge fucking bitch. I know for a fact that her couch, like, literally pulls out into a futon that can fit up to four people if needed.”

“Yeah, I thought getting a futon would be a good choice for my new apartment,” Hellmann told The Black Sheep, “but really it’s kind of just become a Trojan horse for people making excuses to come stay with me.”

Johnson is certainly not the only non-Badger trying to live it up on State Street on Halloween weekend. According to Dean of Students Lori Berquam, Halloween weekend represents one of Madison’s sloppiest times of the year.

“I don’t know what it is about all of these randos that seem to somehow know about Freakfest, but they’re ruining the good name of this scho– did you know that UW-Madison is one of the top research schools in the country?!” Berquam exclaimed, seemingly interrupting herself mid-sentence. “Sorry, I just hate when people make Wisconsin seem like a ‘party’ school. It’s not. I almost want to tell people who are thinking about going to Freakfest, not to go, but the last time I tried to do that I got turned into a meme.”

Thankfully, according to Hellmann, rejecting visitors will assuredly become the norm soon at UW-Madison. “I love my home friends, don’t get me wrong,” Hellmann said. “They just can’t drink as much as us. Like, I’m just trying to stay at the KK ‘till bar close and I can’t do that when Stacy’s puking into her finished Pink Drink. Plain and simple.”

Posted by The Black Sheep on Monday, October 17, 2016

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