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A Breakdown of the Hot Takes Overheard at Wisconsin’s Cold Victory Over Michigan

Badgers finally have a reason to feel validated in their celebration of a Badger win, the reason being: it wasn’t a completely incompetent opponent. Not only were the Michigan Wolverines able to tie their cleats without assistance prior to the game, they also had those cleats on the right feet. It was a game filled with ups, downs, Harbaugh’s trademark khakis and a surprising lack of turnovers on Wisconsin’s part. There were plenty of hot takes uttered by a variety of fans– here are a few, and some takes on those hot takes.

“Why can’t our offense do anything?”
To those even the slightest bit aware of Badger football will know that, unless the Badgers are playing inept opponents just recently introduced to the sport of football and still unsure whether it’s different from fútbol, the game itself will be a slug-it-out defensive contest. It requires a degree of patience that just hasn’t existed since…well ever, in America. Granted, it can be an extremely stressful brand of football, but whatever gets it done. Surprisingly similar to many Badgers’ mentality for midterms.

“Why the hell is Harbaugh taking three timeouts in the first quarter?”
It’s safe to say that coach Harbaugh could’ve used a bit more restraint with Michigan’s timeouts. Almost like it was his first time, and things were just heating up and he couldn’t hold back. Okay that sexual joke could’ve gone a lot better. The bottom line is, what dumbass uses all three of their timeouts in the first five minutes of the first quarter? Apparently, Jim Harbaugh. We all knew he was weird, though.

“Where’s the yellow line on the field?”
Everyone knows that the last home game of the season means that all types of fans will come out of the woodworks. A lot of people might jump right to the conclusion that this inexperienced fan is a woman, but you’d be surprised how many guys are absolutely idiots when it comes to knowing the particulars of football (don’t fall into stereotypical pitfalls, people!). Just to save those sad souls the trouble, the yellow/orange first down line is only on TV, not on the field. God help you in other areas of life.

“Why are there Michigan fans in the student section?”
Honestly a half-decent question, especially given how obnoxiously loud Michigan fans can be. Some may see the act of selling tickets to Michigan fans, or any enemy, particularly in the student section, on par with Benedict Arnold, Brutus, and those damn Lannisters all rolled into one. But the fact of the matter is: it’s going to happen. Just always be louder, and reward their antics with their own personal title, “Asshole, asshole, asshole!”

“Why don’t the Badgers do ‘X, Y, or Z’?”
Commentating on the events of the game is inevitable. That being said, ensure that you don’t creep into the realm of actively color commentating on the game, while not knowing what the hell you’re talking about. Nothing worse than a fan who thinks they’re John Madden, while in reality they’re like everyone’s “Uncle Joe” that complains about every call no matter how reasonable it actually is. Bottom line: you don’t know your crap, shut your yap. That one was kinda iffy, how about, “You don’t know the laws, shut your jaws?” Regardless of the rhyme, everyone gets the jist of it.

“Wisconsin still won’t make it to the playoffs because they had a weak schedule.”
First of all, everyone has heard this take already, no need to repeat the echo in the speculation cave. Second of all, there are plenty of other top teams who have played some truly dreadful opponents this year as well, and while Wisconsin’s Utah Tour isn’t the most respectable, there’s something to be said about continuing to win. Case in point, Mercer agreed to getting annihilated by #1 Alabama this last weekend, just to get paid upwards of $500,000. Even if Wisconsin doesn’t end up going the distance, for whatever reason, at least they’re not getting paid to be symbolically pissed on.

“Whoa this is our last Badger game of the season, for some, their college careers.”
What? Oh no, these aren’t tears, I’m just leaking from my eyes. SHUT UP! Regardless of how the College Football Playoff Committee decides to screw Wisconsin over this time (easy money is they “arrange” for a first round match-up with Alabama), everyone can look back on one hell of a season. Wait nope, it’s not over. Almost forgot, it’s time to sharpen our Axe…

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